This post may not make a whole lot of sense. I may not even publish it for anyone to see. But I feel like getting some of my crazy thoughts out, even if they are pretty much a jumbled mess.

That's basically what everything feels like right now anyway. A jumbled mess. I'm trying to make sense of everything. All that happened. All that is going on with my body. All that I want to do and need to do. And sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and hope that time can pause for a little bit while I pull myself together.

It's been two weeks now since I made my final plea that God would keep my baby healthy and growing so that I could hold him/her in August. I think Thursdays are the hardest right now. It's odd I suppose. Friday was the day I got the sad news. Monday was the day I had the D&C... the day everything was "final." But I think Thursdays hurt more than those days because it is the day I remember that God said no. And for the life of me I can't understand it. I know I won't understand it, this side of Heaven at least.

To even begin to capture where I am in this story I have to start back somewhere around October 2011. We knew we wanted a third child and were ready to take on that responsibility whenever God allowed. However, my "fertility" had not returned since having Eli, so I wasn't exactly expecting to get pregnant. But knowing that it technically IS possible to get pregnant without that, I had a friendly little chat with God. Not an unusual thing, these types of conversations. I just casually prayed, "Alright God. I know that you have the timing all worked out and all. BUT, if you want to know what I would like in all of this, I'm going to lay out what I'd really love to see happen..." And I proceeded to pray that, if it would be okay for me to get my say in this, I wanted to get pregnant without having to deal with "AF" and for it to be in time for the holidays so we could have a little fun with the announcement. Added benefits to this situation would be that I knew I'd probably get an early ultrasound so we could get an accurate due date. My doctor usually doesn't give ultrasounds until the 20th week, so an early peek at the wee one would be extra special.

So anyway... that conversation pretty much came and went without any more serious thought. I knew it wasn't super likely and I knew that it wasn't important for everything to happen that way either. Like I said, just a casual chat with God to put in my request... like when Lydia asks us if we can have something specific for dinner. No biggie if it doesn't happen, but what a special treat it would be to get what was asked for.

And guess what? I got my wish! I could hardly believe it the day I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. "Wow God," I thought, "Thanks!" I was truly stunned that God had given me everything I asked for in my silly little request, but I reminded myself that I serve a loving God who loves to give good gifts to his children. I felt completely blessed.

In the weeks that followed, with bloodwork and ultrasounds to try to establish a due date, I grew more concerned. While I had nothing solid to go by, the timeline didn't seem to be adding up correctly. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy should be further along than all of the tests were indicating. But I kept pushing it to the back of my mind telling myself that I am a natural worrier and was likely just letting the worries get the best of me. Besides, God gave me this gift. He gave me exactly what I had asked for. I kept coming back to the words of Jesus in Matthew 7 - "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I had to trust that God does not give bad gifts. Why would He give me the wonderful (and unnecessary) gift of granting my request only to rip it away?

I continued to cling to this hope and on Thursday night, January 5th, I prayed. What I knew would be my last (early) ultrasound was scheduled for early the next morning. This would be the day I would finally know something. Either there would be bad news or I would see the heartbeat of a growing baby. No longer would I have the "it may just be too early, we'll have to wait and see" line to fall back on. I was expected to be about 7 weeks along, so there would be no more gray area this time. As I was lying in bed that Thursday night, I gave it all to God. He knew I was scared. I wasn't feeling confident at all. And I pleaded with tears streaming down my face that I'd see that precious heartbeat in the morning. I cried out, "God, not my will but yours be done. But if it can be your will, please let this baby be okay."

As I have since had to deal with the reality that the baby was not okay. That he or she simply never developed as intended. The most heart wrenching part of the ordeal has been trying to wrap my head around God's plan in all of this. Why God? Why? Not why did we lose the baby. But why would you put me in position to feel like I've been given the "fish" I requested only to see it turn into a snake? I almost felt like I was being punished for asking for something so trivial. Like I had to be taught a lesson that I shouldn't bother God with unimportant details and should just be quiet and take what I get. I felt like my heart got ripped out by the one person I trusted most.

I didn't understand it. Honestly I still don't. I don't think I ever will.

It still really hurts. A lot. But even in the pain, I've never found myself angry with God. Just confused.

One night as I cried and prayed and tried to make sense of it all I thought of Job's story. I thought about how Satan was given the ability to try to shake Job's faith by taking away his family, his health, almost everything he had. At that thought I practically exploded with anger at that rat Satan. Perhaps it was all his doing. He wanted to try to break me and took my baby away from me. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe God is holding me and weeping with me - both of us grieving over what this fallen world has led to.

I know I won't really know what spiritual forces were involved in this situation until I meet my Lord in Heaven. I think I'll always carry with me the question of why did God allow this to happen - why did I have to feel so betrayed - but I know that I can't allow this to unravel everything I know to be true. I have to keep looking to His promises.

In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What else do I have to turn to? Jesus Christ is the one who has been my shelter my whole life. Why would I turn from that now? I know that I won't have the answers to my questions, but I have to cling to the truth that He does. For a long time I had on my Facebook page the song lyrics "Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be..." and now I find myself in position to allow the other half of that song to ring true in my life.

Dear Lord, blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. When there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name...
1 Response
  1. Sarah, thank you for sharing your thoughts in this difficult time. It's so true what you said, that why you don't understand God's purpose or timing right now, someday you will. The Lord allows us to have struggles to help us to learn and progress in this life. I will continue to pray for you in this time. Please don't worry so much about the why of it all, but pray for and allow the Lord to grant you peace in this hard time.

Post a Comment