tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80143110629000982902024-03-13T12:02:10.294-04:00Living the Dream~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.comBlogger136125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-13213145471100493572018-11-03T23:51:00.003-04:002018-11-03T23:51:58.149-04:00My First Marathon - Grand RapidsThe aches and pains are starting to fade, so before the memories do too, I want to reflect back on my first marathon. Wow... that's still a little weird to say. Did I really run a marathon? To think that less than 4 years ago I never thought I'd even run a 5k. And 3 years ago I wasn't so sure I could finish a half. But over the past couple of years I've seen myself grow in speed and endurance from finishing my first half marathon just under 2 hours 10 minutes to finishing Sunday's marathon in 3:52:53 (meaning back-to-back sub-2 hour half marathons!). I'm still not 100% convinced it actually happened.<br />
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So here's the story as best I can remember it...<br />
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The original plan had been that our whole family would stay at a hotel Saturday night, but when Mom and Dad decided to camp, we ended up camping with them on Friday night and they offered to keep the kids with them on Saturday night too. That turned out to be a really great thing because the kids had been driving me crazy and it was only adding to my stress and anxiety. I was noticing signs that I had probably caught the cold Isaac had earlier in the week and was trying not to panic about it. I took a deep breath in the quiet and we proceeded to get ready for the morning. I prepped my breakfast items and did some foam rolling while Brent sat down with the course map and a satellite view of the area and made plans for where he could meet me along the course.<br />
Everything was set. My ducks were all in a row and I had done every last bit of training I could have done. But emotions still hit me and I found myself struggling to hold back tears as I told Brent, "I don't want to do hard things anymore..." It was probably exhaustion speaking to some extent since I hadn't slept well the night before, but I was definitely feeling pretty nervous. Ultimately I decided I mostly just needed to go to sleep! It wasn't as hard to fall asleep as I thought it might be. I wasn't exactly asleep early, but I managed to settle in, pretend I was at home in my bed and my normal routine, and fell asleep without too much trouble.<br />
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My alarm was set for 5:30 on Sunday, but I woke up before it went off anyway. Race start was at 8, so ideally I wanted to eat around 6 and be parked at the race by 7. We managed to get the VERY LAST parking spot in the lot closest to the start chute. Winners! There was a long row of porta-potties just behind us, so I loved being able to hang out in our warm van, take my time gearing up, and use the bathroom easily. We stayed in the van until a bit after 7:30 at which point I hit the bathroom one last time and found a place near some of the charity tents to do my warmup stretches. It wasn't a huge race - just under 1100 marathon runners (1600 half marathoners and maybe 400ish relay runners made for a crowd of around 3000 runners), but there were enough people around that I didn't want to wander all over the place trying to find the one person from Toledo that I knew was there. I had prepared to run this race alone and I was okay with that. I had a pace bracelet with the splits I hoped to run and a playlist in my ears of songs I had specifically chosen for this marathon. I was "ready" so I found myself a spot somewhere between the 3:44 pace group and the 3:56 group. Brent and I hung out on the side of the road until the anthem, then I stripped off my extra pants & sweatshirt, handed them to Brent, and gave him a kiss. It was go time!<br />
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The announcer counted down and shouted "Go!" as the clock hit 8:00. 51 seconds later I crossed the mat and began my first ever 26.2 mile run. I didn't feel too especially nervous or even excited at the start of the race. Maybe a moment or two when I had to take a deep breath as I thought, "This is actually happening!" And it was. At 8:01am on Sunday, October 21, 2018, I was running my very first full marathon.<br />
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My goals for the race were a bit loose and I almost wish I had been a bit more committed to one specific goal. Our "marathon pace" in training was 8:50 min/mi which equated to a finish time of 3:51:36. So sometimes I would say my goal was 3:51, I wrote it "officially" on my race log as 3:52, but the closer we got to race day I found myself saying 3:50 a lot. I think I got there for two reasons: 1) the 8:50 pace had been determined by our fitness level prior to training. So logically after 17 weeks of hard work I felt I could POSSIBLY manage to go faster. But being my first marathon I was hesitant to put a hard number to that goal. And 2) I knew that if Dayna finished in 3:50 she would qualify for Boston and I was partially hoping I could show her that our training was enough to get her there. So on my training spreadsheet I laid out two race plans: one with a 3:51 finish and one with a 3:50 finish. The 3:50 one is what I ultimately put on my pace bracelet. I still wanted to see if I could make that happen. It put me at an 8:56 pace for the first few miles before settling into an 8:51 "race pace" until that halfway mark. At that point I was hoping to increase to 8:46 until the final 5k, then kick it up to 8:25 or faster to finish.<br />
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Back to the race: Off we went down Winter Ave. As we made the first turn onto Fulton, the 26 mile flag was at the corner since we would run back the opposite direction to finish the race. "Well that was easy!" I remarked out loud, eliciting a chuckle from a guy near me who then struck up a conversation. We had a similar finish goal for the race, so we figured we could stick together for a little bit. Both of us enjoy running communities in our hometowns but neither of us had anyone we were running this race with. We dialoged a bit about this being my first marathon and about him having run some others before including Detroit. Both of us kept frequently reminding the other that they were free to do their own thing. We didn't have to stick together if we didn't want to. But then we'd both agree that we enjoyed the company and that we were happy with the pace we were keeping. So, why not partner up? Once it seemed like we might stay together for a bit, we introduced ourselves and thus Jeff from Detroit became a new running friend. I told him about Brent and the bright orange pool noodle he would be holding up so I could see him. Jeff helped me spot Brent at the 4 mile mark so I could hand off my jacket and I quickly introduced him to Brent as I ran by. This resulted in a collection of hilarious posts on Facebook as Brent posted videos with "#Jeff" each time he saw me.<br />
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So at this point I'm checking my pace bracelet at each mile flag and we are staying about 30 seconds ahead of where I was aiming to be. I was a little mad at myself about that because I really wanted to avoid going out too fast, but I figured 30 seconds wasn't too horrible. I remember a moment probably around mile 5 where I reminded myself to take in the scenery... just as we were passing a water treatment plant or something of that nature. It made me chuckle because that part of the race wasn't exactly scenic. Miles 6 and 7 were on a more remote path through some fields. We would come back along this same path at the finish and the half marathoners also returned on that path, so we saw some of the faster half marathon runners and some of the charity team runners that had started early as they were headed back. <br />
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At mile 6 I remember thinking to myself, "20 miles to go." It was very matter-of-fact in my head and I couldn't decide if I should be terrified by that or not. My longest run ever prior to this was 18 miles... so the thought of "20 miles left" seemed extremely foreign. I'd never even had "20 miles period." It was an odd little moment in my race that I took in, then moved past.<br />
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I couldn't quite remember when Brent had planned to see me next. I had thought it was maybe around mile 7 or 8 but we didn't see him then. I was worried for a minute thinking he might have gotten trapped in the parking lot and then I wouldn't see him again at all, which made me sad, but I quickly shook that off knowing that I had to focus on my run and not let that get to me. If he couldn't be there to see me, I would just have to deal with it.<br />
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The half marathon course split off from us just before mile 9. I wasn't too tired yet, but still had a slight moment of longing to turn with them. Instead, Jeff and I wished the half marathoners well as they turned and then commented to one another about the thinning crowd. It reminded me of running the Black Swamp 25k and groaning slightly as the 15k crowd turned back towards the finish line while I kept going in the opposite direction. But as I said, I was feeling pretty good still at mile 9, so it didn't sting too badly to see them peel away. Jeff and I were having good conversation at that point and were also still on the lookout for Brent and the orange noodle.<br />
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Mile 9.5 we turned on to Maynard Rd and I saw a long red building, which reminded me: THAT was where Brent said to look for him! But we still didn't see him. We headed south on that road then turned back north on a bike path. Passed the mile 10 flag and still didn't see him. Oh no! But finally around 10.5 miles in we spotted the orange noodle in the distance! Was nice to see that he had made it out and I knew he planned to see me again in another couple of miles. The next few miles were probably the most scenic as we ran a path around Millennium Park Lake. The worst hill of the course was at mile 11.5 (and it really wasn't that bad of a hill), but at the top we had a lovely view of the whole park and the lakes. Would have been nicer if the leaves were a bit more colorful, but there were specks of reds/yellows to be seen. Also along that part of the course (actually before the hill I believe) we saw 4 HUGE swans swimming in the lake, a fisherman standing out in the water, and ran through a beautiful tree tunnel. I had several moments where I wished I could capture the moment with a picture, but I wasn't going to mess with my phone in the middle of a race.<br />
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(Picture stolen from Google Maps)</div>
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Saw Brent again at 12.5 miles, enjoyed hitting the half marathon mark, and then spent the next 2 miles going, "Is this the start of the out and back?" Should have studied the map a little more before the race. Ha! At the halfway point I had intended to pick the pace up, but we had been ahead of pace anyway and I had inadvertently banked about 40 seconds, so I told Jeff I was probably going to just stick with roughly what we had been doing. Didn't want to burn out later in the race so I was okay to not push it yet. <br />
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It wasn't until mile 15 that we actually got to the out and back. 6.5 miles of road where we enjoyed seeing runners going both directions. Generally I love this part of races and I had been looking forward to this, but I was definitely starting to feel tired and less peppy by this point. We tossed the occasional "great job" and "keep it up" at the runners on the other side of the road though. As we approached mile 17 Jeff commented about being excited to be with me as I passed 18 and reached a new distance milestone. I was looking forward to getting there too, especially because I was hoping to see Brent again soon after. I knew this meeting point would be a tricky one. The road we were running on was shut down and we had a river on one side of us and a highway on the other. He had no good way of getting to me. Just before the turnaround there was a bridge where spectators had been instructed they could watch racers go by underneath, but Brent was hoping to climb down through the wooded embankment to get to the road we were on. He said if he fell and broke his leg, just look for the orange noodle waving in the woods.<br />
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Just past mile 18 Brent was there with that lovely noodle. I knew he had more Honeystingers and Tailwind for me if I wanted them, and I debated finishing off one of my bottles and trading with him, but decided I didn't want to lose momentum in an exchange and figured I'd be alright. I'd been sipping water at the aid stations and still had enough Tailwind to get me at least close enough to the finish. So after we circled around and passed by him one last time, I shook my head "no" as he held out the fuel and he called out, "See you at the finish, Baby!" I didn't THINK I was struggling too bad at that point, but Brent later said he noticed a big difference between mile 18 and 19. I think maybe crossing into unknown territory scared me a little. I'd done 18 before. Twice. But the next 8 miles would be new. I had no idea how my body would handle an extra 8 miles... an extra hour... beyond what I had ever done before. I had never ever gone this distance before, let alone at such a quick pace.<br />
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Mile 19 was among the worst. I'm not sure why exactly, but I knew there was a timing mat at mile 20 and it seemed to take FOR-EV-ER to get to it. Shortly after the 19 mile flag I told Jeff that my hamstrings were starting to hurt. "No they aren't," he promptly responded. Haha... right... definitely not hurting. I appreciated his attempt!<br />
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(View of mile 19ish... also stolen from Google)</div>
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At last I crossed the 20 mile mark. Time for the final 10k.<br />
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Side note: As I think back on the race, I don't recall being passed by other runners very often if ever. I mean, I probably was passed by a bunch of them in the first few miles, but I don't really count that because everyone always goes out too fast at the start. So anyway, it was fun cruising along at my planned pace and passing by lots of people. In the end, I passed over 100 marathon runners. At the 7 mile split I was in 444th place. I finished in 346th place. I figure I probably passed a few before the 7 mile mark, so I'm sticking with my "over 100" number. And I passed nearly 50 of them between mile 20 and the finish line. That last 10k is not for the faint of heart.<br />
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I made a promise to myself before the race began that if I ever wanted to walk I would speed up instead. That's a little trick we learned in training. For several of our longest runs we would do "surges" for 90 seconds in the late miles of the run. I always groaned at the thought of speeding up when I was already exhausted, but it actually helped. It broke up the monotony of the steady pace and also helped those tiring late miles to pass a bit more quickly. So as I was starting to feel the pain and fatigue, I decided I was going to give surges a try. A little bit past the 20 mile flag I told Jeff that I was going to speed up, but "only for 1 minute then I'm slowing back down." He wished me well as I picked up speed. I don't think I responded at all. I didn't mean to ignore him. I honestly figured he would catch back up to me when I slowed down because I figured I'd be worn out and drop my speed too low after the surge. But that was the last I saw of Jeff during the race. I was on my own for the next 6 miles.<br />
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The final 10k. I had been preparing for this the entire training season. Many seasoned marathoners, coaches, magazine articles, etc had spoken about the dreaded last 10k. I don't know how many times I heard or read that nothing can truly prepare you for it. And now I had arrived. It was my turn to experience it for myself. After my first speed surge I slowed back down, knowing that I had probably slowed down too much. I wondered for a moment if the surges were a good idea if they wore me out and made me slow down after, but I ultimately decided I wanted to continue with them anyway. I decided that each mile flag I passed I would do another 1 minute surge. It gave me something to look forward to (or frankly not look forward to but it at least made me not wallow in longing for the next mile to arrive). So at mile 21 I surged again, counting in my head, "1...2...3... ...29...30...29...28 ..." As I slowed back down I was back at the bridge to cross the river one last time - the end of the out and back. It felt like I had arrived at the final piece of the race. Nothing left to do now but run back to where I started.<br />
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(Yep. Also stolen.)</div>
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Just after I crossed the bridge I could see Cheryl (the other Toledo runner) up in front of me. We exchanged a few words and I kept plodding along past her. Seeing a familiar face kept me occupied for that mile and before I knew it I was at the 22 mile flag and pushing myself through another surge. A lot of thoughts went through my mind during the last 10k and I'm not entirely sure at what point I experienced each of them. I had noticed earlier in the race that I'd hear a "Woohoo!" cheer on Racejoy shortly after I hit each mile. I assumed it was a friend or family member tracking me and sending it to me (I later decided it was probably just an automatic thing) but it was very encouraging to me. I'd pass each flag and wait expectantly for that "Woohoo!" and I'd smile believing there was someone out there cheering me along the way (and there were actually - even though they weren't sending the audible cheers. I was SO touched to see all of the Facebook posts that were made by my friends who were tracking me along the way. If I couldn't have them there in person, knowing they were "there" watching me as I ran was the next best thing). Brent and my friend Jacqueline also sent me a few Racejoy cheers along the way, especially in that last 10k, and they always put a smile on my face. Also in the last 10k I know there was a point where I told myself I was going to pretend that Dayna was there running with me and we were out doing a 6 mile steady tempo run that we completed at least a half dozen times during training. It was never easy, but I always knew that it was "just 6 miles" and I could survive it. I also reminded myself of the words my brother Michael had said to me when we were texting the night before. He said that he usually hits the wall around mile 22 or 23, but to just keep pushing. Don't stop moving. As much as my legs wanted to take a break and walk, I refused to let myself do that. I knew I would regret it. One foot in front of the other. Just get it done. I had other "tricks" I'd thought about using to get through the dreaded final 10k, but very few of them came to mind when I was actually there. First time marathon problems. But I was really proud of myself that I never panicked. I never had a total meltdown where I felt desperate or helpless. Those last 6 miles were not fun at all and I probably could have managed them a bit better, but considering I was in completely foreign territory I am proud to say I held my own.<br />
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I surged again at mile 23 and as I slowed back down there was a photographer up ahead. Perfect. Just when I'm gasping for air after a speed burst. Time to slap on a fake smile and pretend that I am loving life after 23 freakin miles on my feet. Woo-hoo. It was probably just as well though because smiling at a camera is a decent distraction from the pain and fatigue.<br />
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I don't remember any specific aches at this point. I think I'd desensitized to the hamstring pain and was just overall fatigued. I honestly don't remember. I know I wasn't wincing in pain with every step or having major problems with a specific area. I just know it felt like a chore to keep moving forward and especially to attempt to keep my pace up. I realized at some point, might have been after the race, that it suddenly makes perfect sense why distance/ultra runners use pacers along the way. It is HARD to "feel" your pace when you get that tired. I probably could have gone faster, but my body already felt like it was pushing hard so "by feel" I WAS going fast. Maybe for my next marathon I can bribe someone into jumping in with me for the final few miles to keep my pace up.<br />
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After passing the photographer we turned back onto the park path we had run on for miles 6 & 7. The thing I remember most about this stretch was passing by so many people who were walking. I gasped out encouragement to some of them. "Almost there." "Keep it up." "You've got this." It was kind of hard to see all of those people walking when I was trying with all my might to keep running. In fact, when I reached the mile 24 flag I refused to do another surge. "I'm moving and darn it that is just going to have to be good enough for now." We were also running uphill at that time, going up roughly 23 feet in that mile alone (almost 10% of the overall elevation gain for the race). It ended up being my slowest mile and the only one over 9 minutes at 9:13. I really wish I would have made myself surge! I think I regretted making that decision because as I turned off of the path and onto the road towards the 25 mile flag I was already gearing up for another speed burst. I told myself that this was it. The last one before the final push at mile 26. Get through this and I'll be in the home stretch.<br />
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I wasn't paying attention to much anymore. My hands had gone numb a few miles ago (which made wrestling fuel in & out of my belt quite interesting), my mouth was dry and I was thirsty, but I mostly was focusing on "Last mile. Last mile. Get it done." There were probably more spectators again on this part of the course and we were weaving along actual roads again, but all I could think about was seeing that 26 mile flag again and the finish line. Mile 25 to 26 is basically a blur to me.<br />
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At last I could see the finish line up ahead. I pushed with whatever strength I could muster, slapped on a smile (gotta look good for the finish line picture!), and raised my hands in victory as I crossed the line under a clock that read 3 hours and 53 minutes! Holy crap I did it! I finished a marathon! I finished it under 4 hours! And I was even DANG CLOSE to my primary finish time goal! Official chip time was 3:52:53. IN-SANE!!!<br />
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The race didn't go completely as expected, but I honestly didn't know what to expect anyway. There are a few things I would probably tweak if I wanted to improve my performance. I'd work harder to manage my pace better at the front end of the race (this was hard to do this time because I really didn't even know what finish time I should expect, but I should have stuck to my plan a bit better). Maybe I wouldn't talk as much. I probably used up too much oxygen by chatting and it distracted me from fueling as often as I had planned. But the mental boost of being able to talk to someone about God's work in my life was perhaps better than had I conserved oxygen and kept quiet. Conversations like that are energizing to me. And for my next full I hope to manage the final 10k better. Again, I'm really proud of how well I managed as a first-timer, but the uncertainty of "Can I actually do this?" still caused me to struggle some. Now that I KNOW I can do it, I hope to draw on that to push the limits further next time around. I'm also hoping that next time, since it will be a local marathon, I can rally up some supporters for the last 10k. It was AMAZING to see Brent so many times on the course, and to have my kids & parents at the finish line, but if I could have had anything I asked for I'd have put friends and family at every mile along the way. Familiar faces mean so much to me and nothing makes me feel more loved than having them cheer me on. Definitely missed the local excitement of seeing my running family out there. Also, next time I'm taking more liquids with me and/or having someone hand off a fresh bottle to me in the later miles (and making sure I take it!). Being thirsty made the last 5k even worse. <br /><br />
So yeah, there are a few things I might have changed if I could have, but overall I couldn't be much happier with how my first marathon turned out. It was a beautiful course, I made a new friend who helped me through over 75% of the race, I had a plan and (mostly) stuck to it, and I beasted my way through that last 10k as best as can be expected for an inexperienced marathon runner. This was something I never thought I would do, but I DID IT!<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">"All glory to God who is able to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20</span></b></div>
<br />~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-47907884694614800662012-08-22T14:54:00.000-04:002012-08-22T14:54:59.436-04:00A day in the life...6:45am<br />
My body clock has decided this is the time for me to wake up each morning. It turns out though that this works out fairly well as I get a chance to escape the upstairs before the kids are up at 7. I keep the stairway gate closed and sneak down for some me-time on the computer. (And while Brent may not appreciate being stuck upstairs with the kids first thing in the morning, I think we both know that if I took the kids downstairs he would fall back asleep for who knows how long. Brent = not morning person.)<br />
<br />
7am<br />
Lydia is up and likely enters our bedroom (not sure on her exact routine because as mentioned above, I am happily downstairs). Upon waking Brent and realizing I am not there, she goes into Eli's room. Usually I have a monitor on downstairs so I get to listen to the two of them converse for awhile. Lydia looks at books and then drops them into Eli's crib for him to look at. They talk and giggle and I enjoy listening to my sweet babies getting along so nicely.<br />
<br />
7:20ish am<br />
Once I hear Brent is out of bed, it's time to go get water/juice for the kids while he rescues Eli from the crib. Brent opens the gate for Lydia and before long she is downstairs with me asking to play the caterpillar game (Cootie) or play on the iPad. I inform her that breakfast will be first, but turn on Disney (Mickey Mouse) for the kids to watch while they eat. Brent sleepily brings Eli down and puts him in his booster seat. Eli immediately begins asking for food. The boy loves breakfast! Lately he wants cereal bars and starts shouting out what color (flavor) he wants. One red and one green have been the trend. And after finishing those, he then wants a bowl of cereal with milk. Lydia, not nearly the big breakfast eater that her brother is, prefers toaster strudel or waffles for breakfast.<br />
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8am-11am<br />
Our mornings are not routine at this point, though with Lydia starting preschool in just over 2 weeks we'll be force into one soon. The kids generally watch a show or two while eating breakfast, then play and do whatever in the house the rest of the morning. They are beginning to be really good at playing together alone (as in without me) and sometimes will go down in the playroom to entertain themselves. It's nice to get a chance to get a few things done... makes me almost wonder why I'm starting over with another baby!! Almost. :-) The temperatures have been nice in the mornings lately so sometimes if we can get everyone dressed and out the door we try to go out. Sometimes just running errands, but sometimes going to the zoo or just playing outside.<br />
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11:30am<br />
Lunch time. While he loves his variety of breakfast foods, lunch and dinner are a much bigger challenge with Eli. His absolute favorite is grilled cheese and he'll hardly eat anything else for lunch. Sometimes he'll do okay with PB&J, but he has absolutely decided chicken nuggets are no good anymore.<br />
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Noon<br />
Sweet freedom comes at naptime. :-) Once lunch is over the kids are upstairs for 1-2 hours. Eli usually sleeps, but Lydia doesn't sleep much anymore. She stays in her room (mostly) and stays quiet, but I can tell by the way she acts that she often doesn't sleep. This can get frustrating because I know if she would rest she wouldn't be so wound up and prone to getting in trouble later in the day. But anyway, the kids rest for awhile and I get a chance to catch up on work/couponing or just to rest/relax myself for a bit.<br />
<br />
2pm-5pm<br />
Kids are up from naps and we're on to the afternoon. Again, the agenda is relaxed and depends on what we need to do that day. Both kids love to be outside. Lydia is getting really good at pedalling her tricycle and Eli loves being in the cozy coupe. We also enjoy playing on the deck or in the backyard sometimes. Lydia likes running down the hill into the drainage area behind our lot pretending she's going to the jungle. She'll run down, then go back up the hill to her right where there's an empty lot, then make the journey back to our yard. Sometimes she'll just do this over and over and over again because she enjoys it so much. Poor thing isn't going to like it so much when we get our fence put in soon. But it will be much safer for the kids having a fenced backyard and eventually we'll put a swingset up too. Besides being outside, the kids have some favorite indoor activities too. Lydia likes to ask me to play "tickle bug" which basically just means she and Eli run around and I try to grab them and tickle them. So we play or watch movies or do chores for the afternoon while we wait for Brent to get back home.<br />
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5:15pm<br />
We hear the garage door open and Lydia immediately runs to "hide" behind sometime so she can surprise Brent when he walks in. This is her new favorite thing... anytime anyone leaves someplace and then returns she wants to surprise them. Makes it not very surprising actually. Eli on the other hand generally runs to the door and starts trying to open it. Opening and closing doors is his new favorite thing. Often when I'm getting dressed in the morning he is going in and out the bathroom door telling me, "Hi!" or "Bye, cya later." each time. But anyway, both kids are excited for Daddy to be home (and so am I because I'm in need of a break at this point!) <br />
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5:30-7pm<br />
Dinner, possibly bath, and bed for the kids. Eli's bedtime routine: He wants to turn all of his fans on and also his nightlight. He loves to do things by himself, so it's very common to hear him saying "Do it? Do it?" or "Turn? Turn?" as in, "I want to do it." or "It's my turn." And yes, everything he says comes out sounding like a question. Once his PJs are on, his teeth are brushed, and he has adequately turned on what needs to be on in his room, it's time for books. He always gets two books. Lately the Elmo books with buttons to push for music/sounds are his favorites. As soon as books are done Eli immedately yells, "Ginkle! Ginkle!" ... ie, his favorite song "Twinkle Twinkle." We can never get away with not singing this to him before bed. He'll let us sing a different song first, but "Ginkle" is asked for as soon as the other one ends. Once he's had his song, he's pretty content to give hugs and kisses (a hug on each shoulder followed by a kiss on the lips) and get into his crib. He usually insists on a final hug & kiss after being put into bed, then he'll grab his one and only must-have toy frog we call "Ribbit" and lay down to sleep. Lydia's bedtime routine: She also wants to do everything herself, so we usually stand by while she strips herself down, goes to the bathroom, and gets her PJs on (not always in that order and not often very quickly). We help her brush her teeth, then she gets one book and one Bible story. Lately she's had a bad habit of picking at her upper lip, so chapstick has become part of her morning & evening routine. Then she usually chooses to either "elevator" up to her bed (where we lift her off the ground from her feet) or to "blast off" (where she counts down, says blast off, and we jump her into bed). Hugs and kisses happen in here somewhere, but she changes when and where she wants them. She doesn't like to pick a stuffed animal out for herself and prefers that we choose her "friend" for her most times. We do bedtime prayers next. Sometimes she will repeat after us as we pray and other times she has us pray and then we pause so she can say some things she is thankful for. Lastly she gets a song which she generally asks that we pick one instead of her. Before we close her door, though, she always wants to say one last thing and it's always, "*click click* My light is on/off, and I'm as snug as a bug in a rug."<br />
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7-10pm<br />
At last we can relax! Well, that is as long as Lydia stays in bed. She still occasionally gets out of bed to ask us some silly question, or we'll hear her get up to go to the bathroom 5 times in the hour after she is put in bed. But for the most part we get to enjoy some quieter time together in the evenings before I can't stand to stay awake any longer. I still struggle to stay up past 10. I guess pregnancy and toddlers will do that to you.<br />
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<br />
So that's basically what goes on around her day in and day out. Of course there are all kinds of little stories that could be told each day, but this captures the essence. Some other noteworthy things about each kid:<br />
<br />
Lydia:<br />
She starts preschool soon and is very excited. It amazes me how grown up she already seems. She converses very well and I'm often floored by how sophisticated her speaking is for a 3.5 year old! Lydia is an amazing big sister, looking forward to the arrival of the new baby and also teaching Eli so many things. For the most part she does well being patient with Eli when he doesn't understand her and she shares very nicely. She makes me so proud! I especially love how well she is doing with memorizing verses for church. She has done the memory verse every week for the past 3 months and even today she can recite all 3 of them with little to no help at all. It's going to be odd not having her around all the time when she starts school, but I'm really looking forward to talking to her about all she is learning and doing there. She's going to love it!<br />
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Eli:<br />
He has become quite the chatterbox. He is realizing how many words he knows and never fails to point out people/objects/colors everywhere when he sees something he can say. A typical conversation may go as follows: "Fan? Fan?" "Yes Eli, that's a fan." "On? On?" "No buddy, it's off." "Off? Off?" "Yep, it's off." etc. His lately accomplishment has been mastering colors. He's 95% accurate with blue, red, green, yellow, orange, and purple. Whenever we drive anywhere I can expect various colors to be shouted out at random when he sees a car of that color. I know that he is super smart and wish I had more time to work with him on these skills. Perhaps when Lydia starts school. I'm really looking forward to that alone time with him for a few months before baby 3 arrives. Eli also has a super fun personality. He is just so happy most of the time and loves to smile and laugh. He can be a bit of a softy though and whenever he is sad or hurt even the slightest bit he comes crying to me saying, "Chair? Chair?" until I take him to the recliner and snuggle with him there. It's his comfort zone, head on my shoulder rocking in the recliner.<br />
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Baby 3:<br />
Still in waiting mode with this one. Waiting to find out the gender and waiting to feel more consistent movements. I am happy to feel baby move a bit more often these days. Usually once a day, sometimes more sometimes less. But they are getting stronger and more like popcorn pops than tickly butterflies. My next appointment is in a week (I'll be 18 weeks) and hopefully I'll get to schedule my ultrasound. I'd love to get it done at 19 weeks, but they may make we wait until 20. Mom & Dad will be on a cruise that 20th week and I'm hoping I can sweet talk my doctor into an earlier ultrasound so I can be sure I can get ahold of my parents. People have asked me if I have a feeling either way about the gender. I really don't have any intuition about what this baby's gender is this time. Pretty sure I thought both Lydia & Eli were boys at this point, but this one I really don't have any clue. I'm just looking forward to seeing my peanut again! We haven't really discussed names yet and said we'd wait to find out the gender, so I'm really looking forward to that. Ready for baby 3 to have an identity all his/her own!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-19439634461536798752012-08-20T15:18:00.001-04:002012-08-20T15:18:38.357-04:00MoneyThere's something that's been bugging me the past couple of weeks and I feel like I have to get it out somewhere. It started with a conversation with my parents and was reiterated by the message at our church this week when Lee pointed out how all of us Americans are rich compared to the rest of the world.<br />
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When it comes to tithing (giving a tenth of your income) to the church, I get REALLY frustrated with all the times I hear people say they can't do it. They don't have the money for it. They are barely making ends meet so they don't have any money to give to the church, etc. Because I guarantee that 99% of the time these people CAN afford it, they just don't want to make the effort. It isn't important enough for them to make sacrifices for it.<br />
<br />
I always want to ask this question: If you were told you needed to set aside 10% of your income in order to keep your child alive, think you could do it? I am certain that every single person would do that in a heartbeat. They'd cancel cable, they'd sell whatever they could stand to get rid of, they would change their grocery shopping habits to only buy what was absolutely needed to keep food on the table, they'd take 3 minute showers and turn off more lights to cut down on bill costs... the list could go on and on regarding what someone would be willing to do for something that matters to them, like the life of a child. It drive me insane when people "can't afford" to give money to God yet they eat out on occasion, enjoy cable tv, have a smart phone, drive a fairly nice car (less than 7 or 8 years old), and all kinds of other "extras" that are far from necessary. They have the money, they just choose to spend it on something else. Like I said, if it became a matter of life or death, they would quickly do anything they could to find the money.<br />
<br />
Is God not more important than cable tv? Is it more of a priority to enjoy going out to eat a few times a month rather than support God's mission through the church?<br />
<br />
I'll just never understand it. How can people be so blind? How can they not see that if their heart were TRULY seeking the Lord, they could find ways to make their priorities reflect His?<br />
<br />
Americans just don't get it. So stinkin spoiled...~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-71087220338770029162012-07-24T20:20:00.000-04:002012-07-24T20:20:47.058-04:00Facing AugustAs August approaches I find myself feeling... weird. I don't exactly know what I'm feeling, or even what I want to feel or think I should feel. There's a part of me re-living a little bit of what it felt like to watch the new pregnancy announcements on Facebook after having lost my own, except now it's new baby announcements. It makes me a little sad and more than just a little impatient for this current pregnancy to run its course. A part of me still has that knee-jerk reaction of thinking, "That's supposed to be me!"<br />
<br />
Of course I tell myself time and time again that it is NOT supposed to be me. If it were, then God would not have let what happened happen. He has had a plan for our family all along and we are living it right now. I can not dwell on thoughts of what I think things were "supposed" to be like. Here and now, right where I am, is where I'm supposed to be.<br />
<br />
Still, the approach of August is emotional. I am extremely grateful to be pregnant again, and maybe we can even work something out to get an ultrasound in August and find out the gender (I won't be 19 weeks until September though so we'll see). There's really plenty to be looking forward to. But I'm really dreading turning that page on the calendar. You see, I made this calendar in December when we were still pregnant and I specifically marked August as "Baby month." I don't really want to look at that all month long, but I can't bring myself to cover it up. Like I don't want to erase the baby that I lost. Not sure yet how I want to approach that.<br />
<br />
In other news, I'm 13 weeks along now and feeling pretty good. I have thought I've felt the little flutters of baby movement here and there for a couple of weeks, but nothing definitive. This is of course making me more on edge. I know I felt really relieved at 11 weeks when the heartbeat was strong and steady, but the more I have to wait for my next appointment the more anxious I get. Only a bit over a week until the next one: August 2nd. I'm hoping that being officially out of the first trimester, hearing the heartbeat again, and starting to feel movements in the coming weeks will ease my fears again.~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-86205401143167232012012-07-09T13:04:00.001-04:002012-07-09T13:04:52.352-04:0011 weeksSometimes it's hard to believe that we're nearing 2 months since we found out we're expecting another little bundle in January. At the same time, this has been a VERY long and emotional 2 months. After two great pregnancies, I figured it'd be easy to relax, but pregnancy after a loss is anything but relaxing.<br />
<br />
Thankfully I don't feel like I've been a TOTAL basket case. Not going to lie though, it's nerve wracking. I got quite emotional a few weeks ago at church when the message was about facing our fears. I don't want to be afraid, but my heart still feels torn to pieces when I think about how hard I tried to NOT be scared last time. How much I told myself to not worry so much because the baby was surely just fine. Despite the gut feeling I had, I didn't want to let worry and fear get ahold of me. Then BAM! I came face to face with exactly what I was insisting I didn't need to fear.<br />
<br />
It's really hard to convince yourself to not be afraid next time around after going through that.<br />
<br />
So today was the day for my checkup at the doctor. I insisted that Brent be there with me (which meant the kids tagged along too). When I found out we'd lost our last baby, Brent was home with the kids. It was awful to be there by myself, so I was determined to do my best to avoid that possibility this time around. If there wasn't a heartbeat today, I was not going to be in that room alone.<br />
<br />
I was trying to suppress my nerves all morning, thankful that my appointment was nice and early. After a long wait, the doctor finally came in with the doppler and was quickly able to find a heartbeat - beating away at 166 bpm. I told Lydia about getting to hear the heartbeat, thinking she'd be excited, but I guess you can't expect too much reaction from a 3 year old who's busy playing on her iPad.<br />
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It's really really great to be 11 weeks now with a good heartbeat. I can't promise the nerves will disappear completely, but it certainly helps to be in good shape as I near the end of the first trimester. Baby's doing well, I'm feeling better with less exhaustion and nausea, so we're all feeling the yuckiness of the first trimester starting to fade into the past. Moving forward is nice. :-)~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-6837858767542020572012-06-14T14:45:00.000-04:002012-07-09T13:04:35.046-04:00Love<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">Every night after we read some books Eli lays his head down on my shoulder to rock for a couple of minutes while I sing him a song. Lately he has been settling in as usual, but as soon as I start singing he lifts his head and waits for me to give him a kiss before laying back down. I think I'm in love. ♥</span>~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-10961904538235303342012-04-08T21:05:00.002-04:002012-04-08T21:06:15.438-04:00Lydia's Forever FriendApril 7, 2012... from Brent's Facebook page:<br /><br />She's 3. I don't know her concept is solid, but tonight Lydia asked me to pray with her to ask Jesus to be her "forever friend" #HeartMelter<br /><br />We've obviously been talking about Easter and tonight we were saying bedtime prayers and we thanked God for sending Jesus to save us and when done I asked her if she knew what it meant to be saved by Jesus. She said yeah and that one day when our family is all gone she will be with Jesus forever. I told her that one day when she is older if she decides to, she can ask Jesus to be her forever friend (a term our kids ministry uses at church) and she said, "But we can do that right now!" I asked her if she wanted to pray to God and repeat after me... Something we've tried numerous times with bedtime prayers and she's always said no to, making one of us pray instead... And she said a very enthusiastic yes, and prayed to ask God into her heart and to be her forever friend. Again, I have no idea how much of it was play and how much was serious understanding, but wow... Took me by surprise! I love my church and the kids ministry clearly is doing something right!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-13553085675738890222012-01-27T20:46:00.002-05:002012-01-27T21:32:28.257-05:00Moving ForwardNot sure why I feel like blogging so much today, but I guess I better grab the opportunity while I can. You can bet you won't see two blog posts on the same day again for another year or two or three...<br /><br />So I changed the design of my blog. It's not nearly as pretty as the one my lovely friend <a href="http://www.kimmama.com">Kim</a> made for me, but I needed something different. Maybe someday I'll put effort into something better, but for now this is a sufficient change. Life is quite different now than it was in the early days of this blog.<br /><br />My earlier post regarding the miscarriage was extremely emotional for me. This one isn't. I feel the need to just post some about the facts of what is going on with all of this. First of all, after some personal suspicions that things weren't going well, I had an ultrasound on January 6th that confirmed the baby was gone. A week prior we'd had an ultrasound and the baby measured 6wks 2 days with some "cardiac activity" but no measurable heartbeat. So it was sometime in that week that the baby passed away. On the 6th there really wasn't anything to see on the ultrasound. At the risk of sounding morbid (I don't know any other way to explain it), most of the tissue had already broken down and I basically saw an empty sac on the screen. The tech said the sac itself measured 10 weeks at that point, but there was no more baby to be found. So it's been interesting to discuss how far along I was. We never had anything other than ultrasounds to go by in establishing a due date, and since the baby obviously was never developing as he/she was supposed to, we really have no idea if I should have been 7 weeks along or 10 weeks along or somewhere in between.<br /><br />After I went home I struggled with wishing I could go back in time and make the tech keep looking. Surely she just wasn't looking as closely as she needed to, right? But denial is a common reaction to grief and I had to keep telling myself that this was a professional... and it's unlikely that someone who does ultrasounds all day every day would simply overlook a 7-10 week baby. I had to let go. So we decided to get a D&C done on the 9th rather than wait for my body to miscarry on its own. Since I had no signs or symptoms of miscarrying, it was labeled a "missed miscarriage" - where basically your body doesn't realize that the baby is gone and thus continues to behave as though you are pregnant.<br /><br />The surgery itself was quick and easy and less emotional than I expected it to be. The aftermath has been more difficult than the D&C itself. Because now we are back to the waiting game. When you are pregnant your hormone (HCG) levels increase. After birth or a loss, it takes time for those levels to drop again. And the amount of time is pretty unpredictable. My body is still acting to some extent as though it is still pregnant. In fact, I still get a positive result on a home pregnancy test (and will until the HCG levels get low enough to not be detected anymore). So of course this has taken a bit of a toll on me. I am very anxious to be pregnant again. Not to negate the life that was lost, but because we do still want to have another baby to hold in our arms. It is frustrating to wish my body would shape up so we can try to conceive again and to have no idea when that might happen.<br /><br />At my post-D&C follow up exam on Wednesday (the 25th) I had blood drawn to check my HCG. Results came back at 439. Which is pretty good I suppose because it does mean it is falling, but it still could be awhile before I get to 0. I'll go back for another blood draw this coming Wednesday to compare and ensure that it is still falling.<br /><br />I have to admit that it was a really weird feeling to take a pregnancy test and be <em>disappointed</em> to see a positive result. Maybe because it is a reminder of what "should have been" or because I know it means I probably can't get pregnant again yet... maybe a little of both. But all in all I am trying really hard to have patience. Really I've been pretty impatient with all of my pregnancies, then I look back and see that I ultimately didn't have to wait very long. However anyone who has ever tried to conceive knows that even just a couple of months can feel like an eternity. When you decide you are ready to have a baby, you want it now!<br /><br />There are a couple of reasons I'm in a hurry this time, though. The first being financial. Our health insurance is a high deductible plan, but once we have paid that deductible, everything else is covered 100%. No doubt with the D&C and all of the blood tests I will max out that deductible this year. If we can also have the expenses of a new pregnancy/birth in the same year then we will only have to pay that deductible once for all of it. If we don't have a baby until next year, then we'll have to pay it all over again. Not fun. So of course God's timing is perfect and He can supply all of our needs, but I have reason to hope for sooner rather than later.<br /><br />The other reasons for being in a hurry are emotional. I love being pregnant. I loved knowing I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I was really looking forward to having another baby. And so of course I am anxious to get back to that. I had entered 2012 with the idea that it would be another year of expanding our family. I guess I'm still hoping that can still come true. I will always think about the baby that we lost, but I know that he/she is in Heaven waiting for us and in the meantime I still want to see our earthly family grow.<br /><br />God has blessed our family and I am blessed to know that I have a super special reason to look forward to the day I arrive in Heaven. I love to watch Lydia and Eli grow and pray that God will allow us more of the same in His perfect timing. So for now we press on and trust that God knows the desires of our hearts - and it is He who will direct our path.~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-63397010418828978222012-01-27T07:43:00.003-05:002012-01-27T08:33:52.323-05:00The KidsEli is fast approaching 15 months old and I haven't done much writing down of his life milestones. So let's see... a day in the life of Eli...<br /><br />Well, he usually wakes up around 6:30 (ugh!) but will talk/play in his crib until I can drag myself out of bed to get him. He is absolutely in love with his stuffed frog that is in his crib with him. Every night when he goes to bed he pounces on it and uses it as his pillow. In general he really likes stuffed animals and there are several that he tackles at first sight. Eli is definitely a cuddler. Some mornings I can get him out of his crib and he will lay his head on my shoulder and snuggle in the rocking chair for a little bit before we get our morning started. I love those times!<br /><br />Eli continues to be our big boy. He is slimming out some as he loses that baby fat, but he's no twig! And he certainly likes to eat. Unfortunately we've been dealing with a milk allergy (that he will hopefully outgrow) so finding things he is able to eat is tough. Between the allergy and his pickiness, the boy practically lives on bread and chicken nuggets. He is very particular about textures, so I've had a hard time getting him to eat fresh fruits, but he still does well eating baby food purees so I just stick with those for now. We recently tried giving him coconut milk and that has worked out well. Eli still does not like to drink anything other than water, but the coconut milk goes well with cereal or making pancakes and is a good source of calcium for my growing boy. He will meet again with the allergist in May.<br /><br />As of early January Eli is a walker! He took his first solo steps on January 7th and before long was growing more and more confident in his new ability. Today (20 days later) he toddles all over the house. He still looks a little unsteady, and if he does happen to fall down he has to hold on to something to stand back up, but I'm so proud of his progress! Eli is also talking a decent amount these days. He says mama, dada, nana, grandpa (something similar sounding), ball, toes (sorta), uh oh, night night, bye bye, hello (only to a phone), go, and boo. He will sign more, please, eat, and all done. He also does animal sounds for monkey, snake, and puppy.<br /><br />His favorite game at the moment is anything he can open and close. He makes quick work of our kitchen cabinets, opening all of the cabinets in his reach and throwing things on the floor. And he constantly rearranges the items in my lazy susan. It always means a lot of cleanup, but I love seeing his little mind work. He is going to be like his Daddy, always investigating how things work. Eli is always studying the mechanics of things.<br /><br />So that's basically Eli's day. Wake up, tornado through the house, quick nap in the afternoon, eat a lot, then go to bed around 7.<br /><br />Lydia is fast approaching her 3rd birthday. I am constantly having to remind myself that she is still only 2. She is SO smart! I signed her up for preschool for next year but I'm sure she will already know most of the things they teach already. She knows the letter sounds and can spell her name. She is constantly pointing out what letters are on signs wherever we go and is slowly catching on to how to read the words. I have no doubt she'll be reading by age 4. Brent has been working on teaching her left and right, and she can count to roughly 14 (the teens get a little mixed up most of the time). Lydia is a constant stream of questions and we do our best to teach her as we go. So academically I'm not thinking she'll need preschool, but I'm looking forward to her having more social interactions and working on her motor skills as well. She will start in late August and will be in class MWF 9-11:30. A couple of our friends have their daughters in that class as well, so it will be nice to spend more time with them.<br /><br />Hopefully some more interaction with others will help Lydia get over some of her fears. She has been awful with going to the childcare at church. She used to LOVE it, then suddenly she started crying every time. We'd put her there and try to leave her in hopes that she'd get over it, but usually we get called back and/or they inform me when I pick her up that she's cried basically the whole time. Not sure what sparked this, but it makes it really difficult to go to church these days. Eli doesn't do well in the childcare either, so too often we find it more convenient to just watch the service online from home. Lydia is also pretty sensitive about loud noises. She can absolutely panic if there is suddenly some sort of noise like an alarm going off or someone using a power tool. She sometimes is okay with sufficient warning, but boy have we had some major meltdowns lately when an unexpected noise happens!<br /><br />Lydia's favorite shows right now are Mickey Mouse and Toy Story 2. She pretty much requests Toy Story 2 every day right now and will quote lines from it all the time. Because of her obsession with this movie lately I thought she might want that for the theme of her birthday party, but she decided months ago that she wanted Dora and she's sticking to it! It's funny to me because she rarely talks about Dora and we don't watch that show, but she isn't budging from her party choice. Silly girl!<br /><br />This age is a trying time for us with Lydia. Lots of questions from her and lots of testing her boundaries as well. But overall, she is a sweetheart who brings us overwhelming joy. I love being able to have conversations with her and being able to watch her learn. She gets so excited when we get to do special things. I love watching her eyes light up! Love my girl. :-)<br /><br />We are still a bit in recovery mode after the loss of our 3rd child, but we are hopeful for the future. After having a D&C on the 9th, I had a follow-up exam on the 25th and everything is going okay. My doctor said that we are free to try again whenever we are ready. I would still love to be holding a new baby in my arms in 2012, but we will trust in God's timing.~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-24416672909971255562012-01-19T19:53:00.002-05:002012-01-19T21:26:32.619-05:00UntitledThis post may not make a whole lot of sense. I may not even publish it for anyone to see. But I feel like getting some of my crazy thoughts out, even if they are pretty much a jumbled mess.<br /><br />That's basically what everything feels like right now anyway. A jumbled mess. I'm trying to make sense of everything. All that happened. All that is going on with my body. All that I want to do and need to do. And sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and hope that time can pause for a little bit while I pull myself together.<br /><br />It's been two weeks now since I made my final plea that God would keep my baby healthy and growing so that I could hold him/her in August. I think Thursdays are the hardest right now. It's odd I suppose. Friday was the day I got the sad news. Monday was the day I had the D&C... the day everything was "final." But I think Thursdays hurt more than those days because it is the day I remember that God said no. And for the life of me I can't understand it. I know I won't understand it, this side of Heaven at least.<br /><br />To even begin to capture where I am in this story I have to start back somewhere around October 2011. We knew we wanted a third child and were ready to take on that responsibility whenever God allowed. However, my "fertility" had not returned since having Eli, so I wasn't exactly expecting to get pregnant. But knowing that it technically IS possible to get pregnant without that, I had a friendly little chat with God. Not an unusual thing, these types of conversations. I just casually prayed, "Alright God. I know that you have the timing all worked out and all. BUT, if you want to know what I would like in all of this, I'm going to lay out what I'd really love to see happen..." And I proceeded to pray that, if it would be okay for me to get my say in this, I wanted to get pregnant without having to deal with "AF" and for it to be in time for the holidays so we could have a little fun with the announcement. Added benefits to this situation would be that I knew I'd probably get an early ultrasound so we could get an accurate due date. My doctor usually doesn't give ultrasounds until the 20th week, so an early peek at the wee one would be extra special.<br /><br />So anyway... that conversation pretty much came and went without any more serious thought. I knew it wasn't super likely and I knew that it wasn't important for everything to happen that way either. Like I said, just a casual chat with God to put in my request... like when Lydia asks us if we can have something specific for dinner. No biggie if it doesn't happen, but what a special treat it would be to get what was asked for.<br /><br />And guess what? I got my wish! I could hardly believe it the day I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. "Wow God," I thought, "Thanks!" I was truly stunned that God had given me everything I asked for in my silly little request, but I reminded myself that I serve a loving God who loves to give good gifts to his children. I felt completely blessed.<br /><br />In the weeks that followed, with bloodwork and ultrasounds to try to establish a due date, I grew more concerned. While I had nothing solid to go by, the timeline didn't seem to be adding up correctly. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy should be further along than all of the tests were indicating. But I kept pushing it to the back of my mind telling myself that I am a natural worrier and was likely just letting the worries get the best of me. Besides, God gave me this gift. He gave me exactly what I had asked for. I kept coming back to the words of Jesus in Matthew 7 - "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I had to trust that God does not give bad gifts. Why would He give me the wonderful (and unnecessary) gift of granting my request only to rip it away?<br /><br />I continued to cling to this hope and on Thursday night, January 5th, I prayed. What I knew would be my last (early) ultrasound was scheduled for early the next morning. This would be the day I would finally know something. Either there would be bad news or I would see the heartbeat of a growing baby. No longer would I have the "it may just be too early, we'll have to wait and see" line to fall back on. I was expected to be about 7 weeks along, so there would be no more gray area this time. As I was lying in bed that Thursday night, I gave it all to God. He knew I was scared. I wasn't feeling confident at all. And I pleaded with tears streaming down my face that I'd see that precious heartbeat in the morning. I cried out, "God, not my will but yours be done. But if it can be your will, please let this baby be okay."<br /><br />As I have since had to deal with the reality that the baby was not okay. That he or she simply never developed as intended. The most heart wrenching part of the ordeal has been trying to wrap my head around God's plan in all of this. Why God? Why? Not why did we lose the baby. But why would you put me in position to feel like I've been given the "fish" I requested only to see it turn into a snake? I almost felt like I was being punished for asking for something so trivial. Like I had to be taught a lesson that I shouldn't bother God with unimportant details and should just be quiet and take what I get. I felt like my heart got ripped out by the one person I trusted most.<br /><br />I didn't understand it. Honestly I still don't. I don't think I ever will. <br /><br />It still really hurts. A lot. But even in the pain, I've never found myself angry with God. Just confused.<br /><br />One night as I cried and prayed and tried to make sense of it all I thought of Job's story. I thought about how Satan was given the ability to try to shake Job's faith by taking away his family, his health, almost everything he had. At that thought I practically exploded with anger at that rat Satan. Perhaps it was all his doing. He wanted to try to break me and took my baby away from me. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe God is holding me and weeping with me - both of us grieving over what this fallen world has led to.<br /><br />I know I won't really know what spiritual forces were involved in this situation until I meet my Lord in Heaven. I think I'll always carry with me the question of why did God allow this to happen - why did I have to feel so betrayed - but I know that I can't allow this to unravel everything I know to be true. I have to keep looking to His promises.<br /><br /><em>In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.</em><br /><em></em><br />What else do I have to turn to? Jesus Christ is the one who has been my shelter my whole life. Why would I turn from that now? I know that I won't have the answers to my questions, but I have to cling to the truth that He does. For a long time I had on my Facebook page the song lyrics "Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be..." and now I find myself in position to allow the other half of that song to ring true in my life. <br /><br />Dear Lord, blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. When there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name...~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-85667166167370604672012-01-11T21:29:00.003-05:002012-01-11T21:38:15.526-05:00You'll just have heaven before we do...It's hard to come here and post about losing a baby when I had been waiting in anticipation for the perfect moment to announce the pregnancy. That moment didn't come quickly enough and sadly our child didn't get the grand announcement I had hoped for. I have hundreds of thoughts and feelings that I may or may not get around to putting into words, at least here, but for now I want to post the lyrics to a song written by a mother who likely felt exactly as I do now. And she captured it perfectly.<br /><br />Glory Baby<br />by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Christy</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Nockel</span> (Watermark)<br /><br />Glory Baby, You slipped away<br />As fast as we could say baby, baby<br />You were growing, what happened Dear,<br />You disappeared on us baby, baby<br />Heaven will hold you before we do<br />Heaven will keep you safe<br />Until we're home with you<br />Until we're home with you<br /><br />We miss you everyday<br />Miss you in every way<br />But we know there's a day<br />When we will hold you, we will hold you<br />And you'll kiss our tears away<br />When we're home to stay<br />We can't wait for the day<br />When we will see you, we will see you<br />But baby let sweet Jesus hold you<br />‘Til mom and dad can hold you<br />You'll just have heaven before we do<br />You'll just have heaven before we do<br /><br />Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it<br />Cause we are hurting, we are hurting<br />But there is healing<br />And we know we're stronger people<br />Through the growing and in knowing<br />All things work together for our good<br />And God works his purposes<br />Just like he said he would<br />Just like he said he would<br /><br />We miss you everyday<br />Miss you in every way<br />But we know there's a day<br />When we will hold you, we will hold you<br />And you'll kiss our tears away<br />When we're home to stay<br />We can't wait for the day<br />When we will see you, we will see you<br />But baby let sweet Jesus hold you<br /> ‘Til mom and dad can hold you<br />You'll just have heaven before we do<br />You'll just have heaven before we do<br /><br />I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies<br />And what they must sound like<br />But I will rest in knowing<br />Heaven is your home<br />And it's all you'll ever know<br />All you'll ever know<br /><br />We miss you everyday<br />Miss you in every way<br />But we know there's a day<br />When we will hold you, we will hold you<br />And you'll kiss our tears away<br />When we're home to stay<br />We can't wait for the day<br />When we will see you, we will see you<br />But baby let sweet Jesus hold you<br /> ‘Til mom and dad can hold you<br />You'll just have heaven before we do<br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">You'll just have heaven before we do</span>~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-31414582357299443082011-10-18T21:28:00.005-04:002011-10-25T07:52:35.785-04:00Lydia-isms<div><div>A few of my favorite word-pronunciations from Lydia that I've been meaning to write down.</div><div> </div><div>Oatmeal = Oat-Me-Meal</div><div>Cinderella = Cinderbrella</div><div>Zero (Eli's age) = Cereoh (like "cereal" with an o sound instead of l)</div><div>Remote = Nah-mote<br />Apostrophe = A-pasta-fa-me<br /></div></div>~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-9328246295136372082011-06-15T08:29:00.002-04:002011-06-15T08:39:22.937-04:00Enjoying the NowI'm usually pretty good about going with the flow when it comes to the growing up of my kids. I embrace the phrase "This too shall pass" which my mom consistently reminds me of. All of the good moments and bad moments alike will pass and I am okay with that. I love my life as it is right now and a part of me is sad that my kids won't stay this way forever, but another part of me is excited to watch them grow and knows that I will love a lot about the next phases of life as well.<div><br /></div><div>Knowing that keeps me grounded in reality and I don't often get too emotional about "losing" my babies. But it did hit me a little bit last night. I was holding Eli as he was falling asleep nursing. He is a light sleeper and doesn't often sleep in my arms unless he is eating. I hugged him a little tighter and remembered back to his newborn days (nights) when he would snuggle up on my chest and we'd both drift off to sleep. It made me realize just how quickly this is all going. It won't be much longer before I won't get to hold him in his sleep at all anymore.</div><div><br /></div><div>We are already less than 5 months away from Eli's first birthday!</div>~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-59392380796304519592011-05-31T12:13:00.003-04:002011-06-01T10:33:20.812-04:00An Update!<div>Life is crazy busy and with summer here we are busier than ever! But here are a few updates.<br /></div><p>We've been potty training Lydia since mid-April and things are going okay. Most days we don't have any accidents, but she isn't good at telling me when she needs to go. I take her to the potty every couple of hours and we avoid accidents that way. She still only goes #2 in a pull-up though and I haven't been able to get her on the potty for this yet.</p><p>Eli keeps growing and growing. He was 20lbs at his 6 month checkup and is wearing size 12 month clothing now. He is a VERY happy boy - always full of smiles and giggles. Within the last week he has finally started sitting up well on his own. I still have to put pillows behind him because he eventually topples over, but he can sit fine for fairly long periods of time now. He wants to move SO badly. He can roll across the room, but he will get on his belly and just go crazy kicking his legs like he wants to move forward. I have a feeling that once he figures this out, I will not be sitting down all day! Eli is also starting to babble more. Most noticibly "Da da da da da". I'm kinda surprised he isn't saying "ma" at all considering he hears his sister say "mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy..." non stop all day lol.</p><p>My coupon craze continues and I've been able to teach a couple of classes to help others learn. I don't enjoy the classes much, though, so I think my next one may be my last. I just don't have the enthusiasm for grocery couponing like I did when I first started. I mostly do Rite Aid these days and that's much more complicated to attempt to teach it at a class. But I really enjoy my Rite Aid shenanigans and can find ways to get pretty much anything they sell there for free if I play my cards (coupons) correctly. Yay for not paying for diapers or household products anymore!</p><p>We have several household projects that are moving along as well. Just this past weekend Brent did some work on our deck to hopefully keep the wasps away. We've had a horrible time with wasps building nests on our deck... knocked down 13 of them last weekend! But hopefully that is done now. I'm looking forward to enjoying the outdoors this summer. Being pregnant last year made it miserable to be out in the heat.</p><p>We are also hoping to finish our basement in the near future. We've been saving up and doing side-projects for extra money in hopes of getting the basement finished and moving the playroom down there. I think the plan will be to start getting estimates in the Fall.</p>~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-33962617882103425222011-04-01T16:51:00.004-04:002011-04-01T17:12:00.224-04:00We're still here!Attempting to blog while Lydia is awake (and playing in the office next to me). Crazy? Probably. This will likely be short! <p>Two. I have a two-year-old. It's crazy! And she is defintely beginning to ACT two. It is common for Brent and I to look at eachother, shrug, and state, "She's two" after any number of Lydia's antics. She is very much developing a mind of her own. Today I asked her if she would share an orange slice with me. As I reached for one, she quickly guarded them with her hands and said, "Um... no thank you, Mommy. No thank you." She tells us "no" and has random spaz sessions where she refuses to tell us what she wants. Ah to be two! :) But she is an absolute joy in our lives and considering how she COULD behave, she is a very well behaved little girl. <p>Eli is getting more and more fun each passing day. He can roll over now and enjoys sitting in the exersaucer for short periods of time. He's so tall and heavy that he doesn't have the muscle strength yet to be in there for long. He weighed in at exactly 18 lbs at his 4 month check-up. Still top of the charts for height and weight! He loves to smile and laugh and he continues to be a very social boy. Always wanting attention! It's so much fun to see him watching Lydia as she runs all over the place. He gets a kick out of watching her play and she likes to bring him toys and show him how to make things play music. <p>My life has been busy lately as I have continued in my coupon crazy madness. Most free time (which is limited) is spent looking up deals and planning shopping trips. I'm going to do my first "official" couponing class soon, so this is occupying my thoughts as well. <p>We're also hoping to potty train very soon. I am sooo not looking forward to it, but had told myself we would take on the challenge once Eli was sleeping better at night. He is finally going to bed around 7 and staying there until 6 or 7 in the morning. Of course some nights are still better than others, but with a more restful household I decided it was time to get back to business around here. <p>Spring has arrived (supposedly) and I'm looking forward to warm weather and walks outside again. Lydia will love going to the park this year now that she is big enough for more playground equipment. I'm hoping Eli won't take too much longer to be able to sit up on his own. It will be really nice to be able to sit him on a blanket with some toys while Lydia plays with other things outside. <p>There's a brief update on our lives. And hey, Lydia didn't completely destroy the office in the process - though the pile of clothes I had set aside to take to MOPS is now scattered around the room. Could be worse. :)~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-85393135091405605932011-02-05T15:19:00.003-05:002011-02-13T22:14:12.278-05:003 Months!My dear sweet Eli - you are 3 months old already!<br /><br />You are a very social boy these days. You get upset if you realize you are in a room by yourself and get the biggest smiles on your face the instant someone comes over to talk to you. You are also very vocal. You love to coo on and on as long as there is a person there to coo at.<br /><br />Eating and sleeping still aren't super structured. During the day you eat roughly every 2.5-3 hours. Most times after eating for a little bit, though, you get much more interested in smiling and talking to mom to eat any more. You are still up at least once at night to eat. This is making Mommy VERY sleepy! We would all really love for you to sleep through the night, but you still haven't figured out your own way to comfort yourself when you wake up. Mommy is trying really hard to be patient and give you time to learn this skill. Praying it will be soon!<br /><br />Sometimes you have big mood swings too. You will be super happy one minute and then be crying the next. Usually I think it is because we stop paying attention to you and you get mad until we talk to you again. But in general you are a happy guy. I have noticed that you seem to have a sensitive side. You can only take so much of Lydia "playing" with you before you seem to get a little scared. I know... she's loud... one day you will get used to it! But you make the most adorable face when you pout and stick out your lower lip. I know you are sad, but it always makes me smile because it's so darn cute!<br /><br />You are still a big boy and everyone makes sure to tell us that when they hold you. Grandma and Papa Tom held you today and said you feel like a bowling ball! I love how "sturdy" God made you and know you are going to be a nice strong man someday like your daddy. You are currently wearing size 3-6/6 month clothing and wearing size 2 diapers, but we're moving you into size 3's as soon as the current open pack of 2's is gone and are washing your 6-9 month clothing in anticipation of you needing them soon!<br /><br />The only place you really like to hang out is still your bouncy chair. You are okay with the swing these days, but if you are fussy that's not where you want to be. We've also tried letting you sit in the bumbo seat and you aren't a big fan of that either. Maybe you'll like it more when you get a tad bit more neck strength. I keep wanting to let you try out other things besides the bouncy chair, but that's really the only place you love! You nap there a lot, but do pretty well napping and sleeping at night in your crib (except at 7 or 8 at night which is the one time you completely refuse to go to sleep in your crib). You don't typically go to bed for the night until 10 or 11, and if we're lucky you'll sleep for at least 4 hours after that. You've gone 8 hours once or twice, but there are also nights that you still want to wake up every 3 hours. We haven't done as much cry-it-out with you as we did with Lydia, mostly because we don't want you to wake her up but partially because we're waiting to see if you find a way to soothe yourself without us having to intervene.<br /><br />Your sister loves you a ton. It isn't uncommon for her to get up in the morning or after a nap and immediately start saying, "Eli? Eli?" until we let her know where you are. She brings you toys and makes sure you have your blanket on (or off if she sees you just woke up). She even loves to rock you when you get upset over being put in the carseat.<br /><br />You've only been here for 3 months and already I don't know what life would be like without you. We all love you SO much, Eli! You are getting more and more aware of the world around you, and I can't hardly wait to see all of the changes the next month will bring. Love you, little man!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-19220051169235787602011-01-05T16:19:00.003-05:002011-01-05T16:39:06.876-05:00SICK!At the Pirolli household, 2011 entered with a lot of coughing and sniffling. We should have seen it coming. Brent and I both had sore throats around Christmas, but it never turned into any more than that for us. We had a wonderful time in Cincinnati with my family and made it back home on the 29th to relax a bit before the new year.<br /><br />Or so we thought.<br /><br />By evening of the 30th it was obvious that both kids were getting a bug. It is oh so much fun to have a sick not-yet-two-year-old and a sick 8 week old. Ha! Lydia was a trooper on New Years Day when we took her to Great Grandma's and then to Grandma's house to open gifts from Brent's side of the family. But the poor girl could only take so much. She opened so many presents that by the last few she was actually pushing them away and saying no. It didn't help that she was completely exhausted from being sick.<br /><br />With the holiday endeavors behind us, we've been at home trying to get everyone well. I took Eli to the pediatrician on Monday and found he has an ear infection. Beyond that, though, he has been handling this cold quite well. Lydia on the other hand has been a wreck. She's barely eating anything and it takes constant coaxing to keep fluids in her. She wants to be held all the time (very difficult to do as a nursing mom to Eli), she's had a fever, and she has been so tired. Yesterday I thought she was doing better... she seemed to have taken a nap well (short, but no crying before or after) and was playing as normal. But by mid-afternoon she was a mess again.<br /><br />So there I was trying to cook dinner so Lydia could try to eat before going to bed early, Eli was fussing unless I was bouncing him in his bouncer, and Lydia was super tired and crying on the couch in the living room. Ugh! I just kept plowing through dinner while trying to encourage Lydia to lay down and watch her video... then suddenly I turned around and she had completely crashed. She was on the pillow, mouth hanging open, snoozing away. Scared me at first, but I felt better once I was sure she was still breathing! Poor girl!<br /><br />After that experience, I decided today that if the whining picked up in the afternoon I was putting her down for a second nap. And thus it has happened that it is 4:30 and Lydia has been in her room for nap #2 since around 3. Here's hoping she'll be a much happier little girl this evening! It's so hard for me to watch her be so exhaused but be struggling to sleep. I know how tough it is to sleep when you can't breathe normally... I can't imagine trying to make sense of it when you are two!<br /><br />Praying for health to return to both of my little ones ASAP. I have goals for both of them once they are back to feeling better: Potty-training (or at least more prep) for Lydia and a solid bedtime routine/schedule for Eli (with ultimate goal of getting him sleeping in his crib, preferably through the night!). A mom's job is never ending.~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-22546001633035374272011-01-04T20:09:00.003-05:002011-01-04T20:18:03.958-05:002 MonthsDear Eli,<br /><br />You are two months old today! Though it always seems a little funny to me to celebrate on the 4th. You were born so early in the morning that by mid-day on the 4th it no longer feels like the anniversary of your birth. Instead I often find myself thinking through the events of that day in the evening on the 3rd. How I called your dad at work to tell him what was going on. How we ate dinner, called Aunt Sarah to stay with Lydia, then headed to the hospital. How I was lying in a hospital bed listening to your heartbeat while watching Survivor on the tiny hospital room TV.<br /><br />Regardless, you officially arrived on the 4th making you two months old today. I have loved having your in my life for every single moment of those months. You don't smile a ton or "talk" a ton, but I think it's just because you are a bit more reserved and quiet. It melts my heart when I do get to see those precious smiles and hear those adorable coos, though. :-) You are a fiercely growing boy, always at the top of the growth charts. And you are strong too! You like to stand and you do great pulling your head up. I'm so excited to watch you grow and develop even more in the next month (and the next one and the next one and for years to come!). I never once doubted that I would love you just as much as I loved Lydia when she was our only child, and it has proven to be true. You are SO loved, little man! I am blessed to have you in my life and look forward to every minute to come.<br /><br />I love you, Eli!<br /><br />- Mommy~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-81047843726589556052010-12-23T10:46:00.002-05:002010-12-23T10:50:39.298-05:00Anti-SwingI'm so bummed because I'm becoming more convinced that Eli simply does not like being in a swing. The swing was SO nice with Lydia because she could hang out in it (happily) and then drift off to sleep when she was ready for a nap. It really helped me get a break once in awhile.<br /><br />Thus far Eli has only had one decent nap in a swing. Beyond that, he tends to cry whenever I put him in it until I transfer him to his bouncy chair. I'm really hoping he still grows to enjoy swinging!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-54648741139270425422010-12-21T20:10:00.004-05:002010-12-23T10:51:12.509-05:00I'm no good at thisI always have high hopes of keeping up with my blog, but there always seems to be so much going on and so little time to write about it! So here's a brief update on our lives.<br /><br />Lydia is doing great, but noticeably approaching the terrible twos. She tests limits constantly and we've had to introduce timeouts (which she seems to find amusing...) and spankings (which have only happened a couple of times). She usually stops the bad behavior after a warning, but the annoying part is that she gets a warning once or twice a day. A part of me feels like she should get warned if it has been several hours since she was told not to do something... she isn't even 2 yet afterall... but another part of me KNOWS that she is aware of what she is not allowed to do and perhaps enough is enough with the warnings. We're still learning around here.<br /><br />Her speech continues to skyrocket and she is now using combinations of phrases (ex: "Where is the bear? Oh here it is. I found it.") She knows the appropriate response when asked what her name is and knows the sounds all of the letters make (except vowels). I get a running commentary of what she sees/does/wears/holds throughout the day, and she absolutely INSISTS that I say "Bless you, Lydia" any time she coughs or sneezes. She, of course, makes sure to tell Eli "Bless you" when he sneezes, as well as anyone else in the house. We've been working on counting with her and she quickly recognizes when there are two of something, but generally any quantity above one gets labeled as two or three.<br /><br />As for Eli, he's still growing! I took him in for a follow-up appointment after he had an infection at his one month well check and he was 13 lbs at 5.5 weeks old! He is now almost 7 weeks old and I'm moving him into 3-6 month clothing already. He smiles a little bit, but it's much harder to get smiles out of him than it was with Lydia. But when he grins and coos at things it melts my heart. I love my little boy!<br /><br />I've tried to get him on a semi-regular schedule, and he's doing okay with it, but he definitely has a mind of his own. I haven't quite been able to figure out his pattern (if there is one). He's eating 8 or 9 times a day - usually once or twice during the night. He does alright at night, sometimes going 4 or 5 hours between feedings, so I'm hopeful that I'll eventually sleep through the night again. It took Lydia until she was 3 months old, so here's hoping Eli will meet or beat that!<br /><br />And... now I have to stop blogging because the boy wants to eat. See? This is why I can't blog anymore...~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-91542807983064122162010-11-29T19:26:00.002-05:002010-11-29T19:45:35.268-05:00The New NormalToday marked day 1 of our "new normal" around here. All of my family members are back at their respective homes and Brent was back at work. It was just me and the kids here all day. I admit the day did not pass tear-free. I had high hopes for at least a short nap after a rough night last night, and it was looking promising when I had Eli fed before Lydia went down and she didn't throw a fit about naptime. I was SO close to having Eli asleep in his bouncy chair and could see my nap on the horizon... but fate would not have it. Lydia slept well (got to give her credit there), but Eli continued to fight it. I'd get him so close to being out, or so I would think, and then his eyes would pop open, he'd start to squirm, and we'd be back to square one. Why oh why must kids fight sleep so much?!<br /><br />This attempted sleep continued until it'd been a couple of hours since he last ate and I decided to give up and just feed him instead of fighting to get him to sleep. Brent was home for lunch by that point anyway, so I took the boy downstairs and fed him... and cried over my failed attempt at getting some rest. Of course, he eventually settled down and slept. Just in time for Lydia to wake up. *sigh* But his long nap did allow me some time with Lydia and a chance to get some laundry done.<br /><br />All in all I feel we survived the start of our new normal okay. I know each day will come with new ups and downs, but such is the life of a parent. It's definitely feeling a little overwhelming and I still don't know how I will ever get much done, but ultimately I'm glad we are moving forward. It was SO nice to have the help I have had for the past 3 weeks. I can't thank my mom enough for all she did for us! But I think it will be good for us, Lydia especially, to get back to a sense of normalcy. It's got to be hard for a not-yet-two-year-old to adjust when things are still changing on her. Now I feel like we can get back to her routine and she can better adjust to life with her little brother.<br /><br />At the same time, I do recall how quickly life with a baby changes. When Lydia was this little, I remember that as soon as I felt like we were at a point of calling something "normal" she would change and we'd be adjusting again. Eli will do the same thing to us. Before I know it he will have a completely different schedule and completely different needs than he has right now. I can hardly believe he's going to be a month old this weekend. Wasn't I just pregnant yesterday?? Oh how time flies...<br /><br />So here's to our new normal... and the next normal after that, and the one after that, and the many more we have to come. I can't say life is boring anymore!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-58749904079256748262010-11-16T19:19:00.002-05:002010-11-16T19:39:06.800-05:00LifeLife is definitely different with two kids, but I feel like it was all "normal" the instant we came home from the hospital. But maybe that's because it hasn't been too hard with all the extra help.<br /><br />Brent has been off work since Eli was born until yesterday. My mom & dad came up this past weekend and Mom is staying all this week to help out. It is SO nice to have extra hands around to keep Lydia occupied while I tend to Eli. I'm a little nervous about how things will work out when it's just me with the two of them! It has also been helpful to have someone else around so I can get a break and get some extra sleep if needed. Most nights have been pretty good and Eli has often only been up once in the middle of the night to eat. It is great to only feed him once between 11pm and 7am, but I admit I wish the process was a little faster. It seemed Lydia was always a very quick eater - we'd be done within 15 or 20 minutes. But Eli takes his time more than she did. He'll get through half his meal in 15 minutes or so, then we'll have to do a diaper change (because he poops like a madman), then it's another 15 or 20 minutes of eating, finishing up with possibly another diaper change, burping, and trying to get him settled in. The entire process can easily take a one hour chunk out of my night. But I'm not complaining! I know it could be much much worse and I also know that he will likely get faster as he gets older.<br /><br />Last Friday we had Eli's one week checkup. If I recall correctly, they mostly aim for babies to be at or a little past their birth weight at this appointment. My boy? He was up 10 ounces... weighing in at 9lb 8oz! The doctor even commented that he didn't need to ask me how feeding was going, he could tell! He was measured at 21 inches long... actually less than they had him down for at birth, but they guess that's due to cone-head. Either way he landed in the 90th percentile for both weight and length. 50th %ile for head size. Everything looked great at the checkup and the doctor kept saying he looked perfect. He's strong and has good reflexes. So fun to see him grow!<br /><br />I'll be taking him to MOPS with me this week. Looking forward to showing him off and thankful that my mom will be here to stay with Lydia. So far Lydia has not made it through an entire MOPS meeting for the year. I always have to go get her before we are done. So I'm looking forward to sitting in there the whole time with my little man this week!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-46722137334363362112010-11-15T13:14:00.003-05:002010-11-16T09:12:20.269-05:00Welcome Eli Anthony!Before the memories get too foggy, I need to document my sweet Eli's birth story! So here goes...<br /><br />As mentioned before, my 37 week checkup had me excited thinking that my son may arrive ahead of schedule. So naturally I was anxious to see the doctor on November 3rd for my 38 week appointment. I was really hoping we'd see lots of progress and have a better idea when he might make his debut. But try as I might not to be disappointed, I admit I was pretty bummed when my doctor said I was the same as I had been the week before. No more progress made despite the fact that I'd been having quite a few contractions that morning (strong, but 10-20 min apart and had stopped by late morning). The doctor did however offer me the option to induce that weekend (the 6th/7th) if I wanted to. It was the only time she would personally be available for the birth, otherwise I would have some other doctor in the practice.<br /><br />I went home after the appointment and spent the rest of the morning into the afternoon stressing over this decision. It wasn't my first choice to get an induction, but with a toddler to deal with and my mother having a 3+ hour drive to get here, I was considering the option. I couldn't come up with a decision, and Brent thought we should go ahead and take the induction on the 6th, so ultimately I figured that would be the conclusion. I called my mom and coordinated with her under the assumption that we'd be telling my doctor to schedule me to be induced on Saturday.<br /><br />The rest of the afternoon continued as usual until around 4:00 when I started to feel contractions again. This time they felt even stronger than they had that morning, but were still far apart. I sent a text to Brent & my mom just telling them fyi the contractions were back and around 9 min apart. No need to take action at that point, I thought. I tried to get up and keep busy around the house knowing that activity often slows down or stops false labor, but by 5:30 the contractions were ranging from 4 to 6 minutes apart and getting stronger. Fearing he'd be delivering this baby on the side of the road if we didn't act fast, Brent went into action mode. He ordered a pizza and called his sister while I went to take a shower (still wondering if this was truly the "real thing"). I then called my mom and told her we'd probably be heading to the hospital and she could either wait until we knew if we'd be admitted or could just start driving this way. She opted to hit the road!<br /><br />We ate dinner, got Lydia fed, and packed up the remaining items to be brought with us to the hospital. I was driving Brent crazy by not hurrying as much as he wanted, but I was trying to make sure Lydia was set for the night and into the morning if necessary. We left the house around 6:30 with contractions still around 5 minutes apart and some of them quite painful (hard to talk through). Though these didn't seem to hurt my back as much as they did with Lydia.<br /><br />After some difficulty getting to Labor & Delivery (lots of areas of the hospital under construction meant that we had to enter through Emergency and get taken on a long walk to the other side to get there) I was in triage by 7. The nurse went through a whole long list of questions and ultimately said she wasn't sure what the doctor would do if they didn't think I was in active labor yet. My chart had two due dates on it: November 13 (based on LMP) and November 5 (based on the ultrasound). Neither had been specified as the ultimate one to go by. But we were told that they could not legally induce labor before 39 weeks, meaning if I wasn't in active labor and the doctor went by the 13th as the due date I might get sent home. In the end that didn't matter much because when they checked me at 7:30 I was 3cm dilated. The doctor (Dr. Neuhoff) said that if I had been at 1 just that morning and was at 3 now, things were progressing and she would keep me there.<br /><br />By 8:00 we were settled into a delivery room watching Survivor while the RN (Renee) continued to ask more questions and get IV's and monitors hooked up. They did not give me pitocin and said we would wait and see how things progressed on their own, especially after they break my water. The doctor was busy with another delivery, though, so we kept being told she'd be in to break my water soon and then it'd feel like we waited forever. Around 9:30 the anesthesiologist came in to see if I wanted an epidural. My plan had been to wait until after they broke my water since I wasn't in too much pain at this point, but the anesthesiologist said he was called down to help with surgery and wouldn't know when he might come back to L&D. Not particularly wanting to risk not being able to get the epi later, we had him go ahead and do it. The procedure seemed more uncomfortable than I remember it being the first time, but ultimately it did the job.<br /><br />Just after that was done the doctor came in to check my progress and break my water. I was at 4cm at 9:35pm when that was done. Eli's head was in a position such that he was plugging the hole as they tried to break the water, so it took a little while but it finally broke and we continued on. Brent hooked up the laptop and we watched the movie Yes Man as we waited. At 11:50pm I was up to 6cm, and when checked at 1:45am was unfortunately still at 6. I'd been lying on my right side to watch the movie and they said Eli's head was in a bad position for dropping into place, so we switched to my left side and put my leg up to help him reposition. I was feeling the contractions a bit more due to the epidural meds pooling on my right side, but still didn't feel pressure to push at this point.<br /><br />We decided to try to get some rest while we waited, and I might have dozed off for a brief minute here and there, but my blood pressure monitor kept going off and beeping until the nurse would come adjust it. The second or third time this happened (2:55am), the nurse was adjusting Eli's monitors when I started to feel pressure. I told Renee and she asked if I wanted her to check me again. I said she could if she wanted, not really feeling confident that I needed a check, but she immediately exclaimed that it was time, I was at 10! She hurried around the room constantly telling me "don't push... don't push..." It almost made me laugh because I wasn't feeling THAT urgent a need to push. In fact, I was slightly afraid they'd go to all the trouble to get ready to deliver and then see that it wasn't really time.<br /><br />Less than 20 minutes later (3:11am) there were 4 or 5 doctors/nurses/med students at the end of my bed talking me through pushes. I still never felt the strong urge to push, but I knew how I needed to do it and did my best to get in 3 good pushes with each contraction. Three contractions and 7 minutes later, Eli Anthony arrived at 3:18am on Thursday November 4th! I heard them say he had the cord around his neck, but they quickly unwrapped it without a fuss. He was much more purple than Lydia had been (she was unusually pink for a newborn) and had some bruising on his head from how he'd had to shift to get into position, but he was perfect. Tears welled up when I heard his first little cries, but he didn't cry for long. They put him on my stomach to clean him up (where he promptly peed all over me), then we cuddled and nursed. This was when I knew my son would be ALL boy... he snuggled up against me eating... and farting! Yes, my son wasted no time getting around to peeing, eating, and farting. Haha!<br /><br />He weighed in at a whopping 8lb 14oz. The doctor knew he was big and had even commented that she didn't want to go too far away because she wanted to know how big he was! He's tall too. They measured him at 21.5 inches and said he has big feet too! Going to be tall and strong like his daddy, I bet.<br /><br />Being the middle of the night we didn't have too many visitors right away. Tom & Rita came in to hold the little guy, but that was it for then. It seemed to take forever for the nurses to finish everything they needed to do. Finally at 5:20am we were moved to our recovery room. More nurses reviewed necessary paper work with us (while we struggled to stay awake enough to at least nod like we were listening) and by around 6 we were attempting to get some rest. I still couldn't believe that not long before I'd been stressing over the option to induce and it didn't even matter. Eli had his own agenda!<br /><br />We only stayed in the hospital one more night and headed home Friday evening. Lydia had not been very enthusiastic about seeing Mommy in the hospital and I was anxious to get home to be with her and adjusting to life with our new little man.<br /><br />Nine months of waiting (more if you count the time trying to get pregnant) all wraps up with 7 minutes of pushing and the first sweet cries of my firstborn son. It seems funny how quickly things can change. The waiting seems eternal and then in a flash it is done.<br /><br />Eli is 11 days old today and I have loved every bit of it thus far. He is SUCH a good baby! He eats well and sleeps well and hardly ever cries. I can already tell that he is laid back. Lydia took a little bit of time to warm up to him, but she loves him now and gives him plenty of kisses. I am so in love with my family of four!<br /><br />Eli - Words can't express how happy I am to have you in my life. It is such a joy to hold you in my arms at last. I love looking into your bright eyes when you are awake, and watching you peacefully sleep too. You are going to be a spectacular little man, I can already tell. Though the time is already flying by faster than I'd like, I'm so excited to watch you grow. I love you SO much! Welcome home, little buddy.~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-56093979423259413572010-11-13T20:08:00.002-05:002010-11-13T20:11:00.801-05:00He's Here!Eli Anthony arrived early in the morning on November 4th. He weighed in at a hefty 8lb 14oz! I love my big boy! There will be more updates to come and pictures I'm sure. But I've been enjoying the time with my new family of 4 rather than being on the computer. Just wanted to let everyone know that my son is here at last!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8014311062900098290.post-9427396767204791622010-10-25T12:31:00.004-04:002010-11-16T09:14:01.406-05:0037 weeksJust had my 37-weeks-and-2-days doctor appointment this morning and things are looking good! First of all the scale this week lied to me (in a good way) and said I'm only at 157lbs (less than 40 up from starting weight), but that's about 4lbs less than last week so I know it is lying <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">haha</span>. With Lydia I ended at 169 though, so I do think I'll manage to stay under that this time around. I did not get to see my regular doctor because she is out this week, so I am trying to keep in mind that different doctors may say different things and not to get too caught up in what I was told. But regardless, this doctor said I am currently at "a good 1cm", 80% effaced, baby's head is nice and low, and the cervix is nice and soft. I talked to her some about the possibility of scheduling an induction if he hasn't come by his due date and her response was something along the lines of, "There's no way you are going past your due date." Ha!<br /><br />Honestly I hate it when doctors say things like that because I know that it still may not be true... and I hate to get my hopes up or anyone <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">else's</span> hopes up! But she said it, so there we go. It's in my head now. She said she was pretty convinced that I will go into labor on my own. But again, can one really know THAT well? As always, only time will tell.<br /><br />It is exciting, though, to think that Eli's arrival could be a little sooner than later. I'm looking forward to meeting him and experiencing what it is like to have a son. I'm looking forward to hearing those sweet baby cries again, holding a sleeping little one, seeing how Lydia reacts to him, and just getting to know another of these little miracles. I've been busily preparing as much as I can around the house. Most of the baby equipment has been cleaned up and moved into Eli's room until he arrives. I've got the spare freezer stocked up with frozen pizzas and other quick meals so resting and getting to know our boy can take priority over having to cook dinner. And I am *trying* to get the house relatively clean so I don't feel so bad about letting it go for a couple of weeks post-baby. The biggest things that are not done are the little keepsake things I want to have - his baby blanket (which I've already decided will not be finished until after his birth - sorry Eli!), his baby book, some scrapbooks that are in progress, etc. But these are nice-to-haves, not things that I need done before his arrival. However, there are still things to be done so I really should get off the computer and do them. It's much harder to prepare for a new baby with a toddler to tend to, so <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">naptimes</span> are crucial!~http://www.blogger.com/profile/11599710481704286534noreply@blogger.com0