Not sure why I feel like blogging so much today, but I guess I better grab the opportunity while I can. You can bet you won't see two blog posts on the same day again for another year or two or three...

So I changed the design of my blog. It's not nearly as pretty as the one my lovely friend Kim made for me, but I needed something different. Maybe someday I'll put effort into something better, but for now this is a sufficient change. Life is quite different now than it was in the early days of this blog.

My earlier post regarding the miscarriage was extremely emotional for me. This one isn't. I feel the need to just post some about the facts of what is going on with all of this. First of all, after some personal suspicions that things weren't going well, I had an ultrasound on January 6th that confirmed the baby was gone. A week prior we'd had an ultrasound and the baby measured 6wks 2 days with some "cardiac activity" but no measurable heartbeat. So it was sometime in that week that the baby passed away. On the 6th there really wasn't anything to see on the ultrasound. At the risk of sounding morbid (I don't know any other way to explain it), most of the tissue had already broken down and I basically saw an empty sac on the screen. The tech said the sac itself measured 10 weeks at that point, but there was no more baby to be found. So it's been interesting to discuss how far along I was. We never had anything other than ultrasounds to go by in establishing a due date, and since the baby obviously was never developing as he/she was supposed to, we really have no idea if I should have been 7 weeks along or 10 weeks along or somewhere in between.

After I went home I struggled with wishing I could go back in time and make the tech keep looking. Surely she just wasn't looking as closely as she needed to, right? But denial is a common reaction to grief and I had to keep telling myself that this was a professional... and it's unlikely that someone who does ultrasounds all day every day would simply overlook a 7-10 week baby. I had to let go. So we decided to get a D&C done on the 9th rather than wait for my body to miscarry on its own. Since I had no signs or symptoms of miscarrying, it was labeled a "missed miscarriage" - where basically your body doesn't realize that the baby is gone and thus continues to behave as though you are pregnant.

The surgery itself was quick and easy and less emotional than I expected it to be. The aftermath has been more difficult than the D&C itself. Because now we are back to the waiting game. When you are pregnant your hormone (HCG) levels increase. After birth or a loss, it takes time for those levels to drop again. And the amount of time is pretty unpredictable. My body is still acting to some extent as though it is still pregnant. In fact, I still get a positive result on a home pregnancy test (and will until the HCG levels get low enough to not be detected anymore). So of course this has taken a bit of a toll on me. I am very anxious to be pregnant again. Not to negate the life that was lost, but because we do still want to have another baby to hold in our arms. It is frustrating to wish my body would shape up so we can try to conceive again and to have no idea when that might happen.

At my post-D&C follow up exam on Wednesday (the 25th) I had blood drawn to check my HCG. Results came back at 439. Which is pretty good I suppose because it does mean it is falling, but it still could be awhile before I get to 0. I'll go back for another blood draw this coming Wednesday to compare and ensure that it is still falling.

I have to admit that it was a really weird feeling to take a pregnancy test and be disappointed to see a positive result. Maybe because it is a reminder of what "should have been" or because I know it means I probably can't get pregnant again yet... maybe a little of both. But all in all I am trying really hard to have patience. Really I've been pretty impatient with all of my pregnancies, then I look back and see that I ultimately didn't have to wait very long. However anyone who has ever tried to conceive knows that even just a couple of months can feel like an eternity. When you decide you are ready to have a baby, you want it now!

There are a couple of reasons I'm in a hurry this time, though. The first being financial. Our health insurance is a high deductible plan, but once we have paid that deductible, everything else is covered 100%. No doubt with the D&C and all of the blood tests I will max out that deductible this year. If we can also have the expenses of a new pregnancy/birth in the same year then we will only have to pay that deductible once for all of it. If we don't have a baby until next year, then we'll have to pay it all over again. Not fun. So of course God's timing is perfect and He can supply all of our needs, but I have reason to hope for sooner rather than later.

The other reasons for being in a hurry are emotional. I love being pregnant. I loved knowing I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I was really looking forward to having another baby. And so of course I am anxious to get back to that. I had entered 2012 with the idea that it would be another year of expanding our family. I guess I'm still hoping that can still come true. I will always think about the baby that we lost, but I know that he/she is in Heaven waiting for us and in the meantime I still want to see our earthly family grow.

God has blessed our family and I am blessed to know that I have a super special reason to look forward to the day I arrive in Heaven. I love to watch Lydia and Eli grow and pray that God will allow us more of the same in His perfect timing. So for now we press on and trust that God knows the desires of our hearts - and it is He who will direct our path.
1 Response
  1. Kim Says:

    I know the feeling, Sarah... although now I'm beginning to feel like it's just easier to assume I'm done. But then that makes me sad as well because I don't want to be done. Either way the monthly disappointment or the thought of being done -they are both painful. We just hit the 2 year mark this month since we started trying to get pregnant again.

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