As August approaches I find myself feeling... weird.  I don't exactly know what I'm feeling, or even what I want to feel or think I should feel.  There's a part of me re-living a little bit of what it felt like to watch the new pregnancy announcements on Facebook after having lost my own, except now it's new baby announcements.  It makes me a little sad and more than just a little impatient for this current pregnancy to run its course.  A part of me still has that knee-jerk reaction of thinking, "That's supposed to be me!"

Of course I tell myself time and time again that it is NOT supposed to be me.  If it were, then God would not have let what happened happen.  He has had a plan for our family all along and we are living it right now.  I can not dwell on thoughts of what I think things were "supposed" to be like.  Here and now, right where I am, is where I'm supposed to be.

Still, the approach of August is emotional.  I am extremely grateful to be pregnant again, and maybe we can even work something out to get an ultrasound in August and find out the gender (I won't be 19 weeks until September though so we'll see).  There's really plenty to be looking forward to.  But I'm really dreading turning that page on the calendar.  You see, I made this calendar in December when we were still pregnant and I specifically marked August as "Baby month."  I don't really want to look at that all month long, but I can't bring myself to cover it up.  Like I don't want to erase the baby that I lost.  Not sure yet how I want to approach that.

In other news, I'm 13 weeks along now and feeling pretty good.  I have thought I've felt the little flutters of baby movement here and there for a couple of weeks, but nothing definitive.  This is of course making me more on edge.  I know I felt really relieved at 11 weeks when the heartbeat was strong and steady, but the more I have to wait for my next appointment the more anxious I get.  Only a bit over a week until the next one:  August 2nd.  I'm hoping that being officially out of the first trimester, hearing the heartbeat again, and starting to feel movements in the coming weeks will ease my fears again.
Labels: 0 comments | edit post
Sometimes it's hard to believe that we're nearing 2 months since we found out we're expecting another little bundle in January.  At the same time, this has been a VERY long and emotional 2 months.  After two great pregnancies, I figured it'd be easy to relax, but pregnancy after a loss is anything but relaxing.

Thankfully I don't feel like I've been a TOTAL basket case.  Not going to lie though, it's nerve wracking.  I got quite emotional a few weeks ago at church when the message was about facing our fears.  I don't want to be afraid, but my heart still feels torn to pieces when I think about how hard I tried to NOT be scared last time.  How much I told myself to not worry so much because the baby was surely just fine.  Despite the gut feeling I had, I didn't want to let worry and fear get ahold of me.  Then BAM!  I came face to face with exactly what I was insisting I didn't need to fear.

It's really hard to convince yourself to not be afraid next time around after going through that.

So today was the day for my checkup at the doctor.   I insisted that Brent be there with me (which meant the kids tagged along too).  When I found out we'd lost our last baby, Brent was home with the kids.  It was awful to be there by myself, so I was determined to do my best to avoid that possibility this time around.  If there wasn't a heartbeat today, I was not going to be in that room alone.

I was trying to suppress my nerves all morning, thankful that my appointment was nice and early.  After a long wait, the doctor finally came in with the doppler and was quickly able to find a heartbeat - beating away at 166 bpm.  I told Lydia about getting to hear the heartbeat, thinking she'd be excited, but I guess you can't expect too much reaction from a 3 year old who's busy playing on her iPad.

It's really really great to be 11 weeks now with a good heartbeat.  I can't promise the nerves will disappear completely, but it certainly helps to be in good shape as I near the end of the first trimester.  Baby's doing well, I'm feeling better with less exhaustion and nausea, so we're all feeling the yuckiness of the first trimester starting to fade into the past.  Moving forward is nice.  :-)
Labels: 0 comments | edit post