I realized something when I began to think about wanting a second baby. I found myself once again noticing all the other women in my life who were getting pregnant with their second children and once again feeling a sense of jealousy and urgency... much the same as I had when I so very much longed to get pregnant for the first time. What I realized the second time around, however, was that my feelings were ultimately being driven by fear. It wasn't so much that I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but more that I wanted so badly to be assured that I would and could get pregnant. Even after having no trouble conceiving Lydia I couldn't help but fear that we'd struggle the next time. What if Lydia was a miracle and we didn't know it? What if we try again for years and can't have any more kids? I felt more and more desperate to get pregnant NOW just so I could be assured that it could happen!

I think it was sometime in January when I came to grips with what I was really thinking. Seriously, Sarah... do you really think God is that small? Do you really think that He lacks control over this part of your life? When God says "fear not" what makes you think that He didn't mean it for this situation? It was at that point that I determined to shift my thinking. I reminded myself that God is a loving God and that He fully understood my desire to have more children. He knew that I was hoping for children close in age. But He also knows what is best... and I had to accept that as well. I had to accept, and be okay with, the idea that God may have different plans. God could have given us Lydia and determined that we are to focus solely on raising her... or He could choose to bless us with other children, but not until later, or perhaps through adoption. I didn't know what God's plan would be, but I committed myself to trusting in that plan rather than being controlled by my fears.

I think I have applied this same idea to the question of when to announce a pregnancy. I know a lot of people prefer to wait to make the big announcement, and I don't fault them for that at all, but it's just never sat well with me to hold back such wonderful news. I couldn't help but ask myself why I wouldn't want to share the news, and the answer always seemed to point back to fear. Fear that I'd lose the baby and have to share the sad news. Fear that someone might say something to me not realizing the pregnancy didn't work out, resulting in the pain returning. Or simply fear that people knowing might actually somehow increase the possibility for things to go wrong. I couldn't come up with any reasons for not telling people that didn't stem from fear. Doesn't the Bible tell us to share our joys and sorrows with one another? Then why hide the joy for fear of the sorrow? Share them both and allow others to rejoice with us and comfort us if necessary.

As most people probably already know, earlier this month I got the most wonderful birthday present when I found out that I am pregnant again. I was elated! And it has been so reassuring to feel God teaching me to trust Him through this. I actually became pregnant the month that I was least concerned about whether or not it would happen. And now God is continuing to push me to trust in him with the pregnancy. I was so nervous the first time around. So scared that something would take my precious baby from me before I'd even get to meet her. Looking back, I felt as though I was desperately racing through those 9 months as if disaster was right on my heels.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any anxiety at all this time around, but I'm learning. I'm trying to be still... remember that God is in control and He has a plan for this new little life. I accept that His plan may mean suffering a loss, and I trust that He would carry me through that if it were to happen. Life may not always turn out the way that I picture it, but as long as I am focused on Christ then it will always turn out the way it should. I am continuing to pray for health and growth for my new little bean, but my aim is always to rest in God's hands, trusting and not fearing.
1 Response
  1. kimmama Says:

    Aaah, thank you for writing this, Sarah. I must admit I am feeling the same way. It seems like everyone is getting pregnant and I want to join in on the fun! Haha! I was worried about the financial aspect and insurance, but then I felt like God was telling me to trust him with that. Now I am just waiting for Him to open up my womb again. I am struggling with fear that there might be a gap between Micah and the next one. I'm afraid they won't get along if they are too far apart. That is silly, though. Lots of siblings with bigger age gaps get along. Anyway... I keep telling myself to trust God's provision and timing. Now if only my heart would listen!


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