Eli is fast approaching 15 months old and I haven't done much writing down of his life milestones. So let's see... a day in the life of Eli...

Well, he usually wakes up around 6:30 (ugh!) but will talk/play in his crib until I can drag myself out of bed to get him. He is absolutely in love with his stuffed frog that is in his crib with him. Every night when he goes to bed he pounces on it and uses it as his pillow. In general he really likes stuffed animals and there are several that he tackles at first sight. Eli is definitely a cuddler. Some mornings I can get him out of his crib and he will lay his head on my shoulder and snuggle in the rocking chair for a little bit before we get our morning started. I love those times!

Eli continues to be our big boy. He is slimming out some as he loses that baby fat, but he's no twig! And he certainly likes to eat. Unfortunately we've been dealing with a milk allergy (that he will hopefully outgrow) so finding things he is able to eat is tough. Between the allergy and his pickiness, the boy practically lives on bread and chicken nuggets. He is very particular about textures, so I've had a hard time getting him to eat fresh fruits, but he still does well eating baby food purees so I just stick with those for now. We recently tried giving him coconut milk and that has worked out well. Eli still does not like to drink anything other than water, but the coconut milk goes well with cereal or making pancakes and is a good source of calcium for my growing boy. He will meet again with the allergist in May.

As of early January Eli is a walker! He took his first solo steps on January 7th and before long was growing more and more confident in his new ability. Today (20 days later) he toddles all over the house. He still looks a little unsteady, and if he does happen to fall down he has to hold on to something to stand back up, but I'm so proud of his progress! Eli is also talking a decent amount these days. He says mama, dada, nana, grandpa (something similar sounding), ball, toes (sorta), uh oh, night night, bye bye, hello (only to a phone), go, and boo. He will sign more, please, eat, and all done. He also does animal sounds for monkey, snake, and puppy.

His favorite game at the moment is anything he can open and close. He makes quick work of our kitchen cabinets, opening all of the cabinets in his reach and throwing things on the floor. And he constantly rearranges the items in my lazy susan. It always means a lot of cleanup, but I love seeing his little mind work. He is going to be like his Daddy, always investigating how things work. Eli is always studying the mechanics of things.

So that's basically Eli's day. Wake up, tornado through the house, quick nap in the afternoon, eat a lot, then go to bed around 7.

Lydia is fast approaching her 3rd birthday. I am constantly having to remind myself that she is still only 2. She is SO smart! I signed her up for preschool for next year but I'm sure she will already know most of the things they teach already. She knows the letter sounds and can spell her name. She is constantly pointing out what letters are on signs wherever we go and is slowly catching on to how to read the words. I have no doubt she'll be reading by age 4. Brent has been working on teaching her left and right, and she can count to roughly 14 (the teens get a little mixed up most of the time). Lydia is a constant stream of questions and we do our best to teach her as we go. So academically I'm not thinking she'll need preschool, but I'm looking forward to her having more social interactions and working on her motor skills as well. She will start in late August and will be in class MWF 9-11:30. A couple of our friends have their daughters in that class as well, so it will be nice to spend more time with them.

Hopefully some more interaction with others will help Lydia get over some of her fears. She has been awful with going to the childcare at church. She used to LOVE it, then suddenly she started crying every time. We'd put her there and try to leave her in hopes that she'd get over it, but usually we get called back and/or they inform me when I pick her up that she's cried basically the whole time. Not sure what sparked this, but it makes it really difficult to go to church these days. Eli doesn't do well in the childcare either, so too often we find it more convenient to just watch the service online from home. Lydia is also pretty sensitive about loud noises. She can absolutely panic if there is suddenly some sort of noise like an alarm going off or someone using a power tool. She sometimes is okay with sufficient warning, but boy have we had some major meltdowns lately when an unexpected noise happens!

Lydia's favorite shows right now are Mickey Mouse and Toy Story 2. She pretty much requests Toy Story 2 every day right now and will quote lines from it all the time. Because of her obsession with this movie lately I thought she might want that for the theme of her birthday party, but she decided months ago that she wanted Dora and she's sticking to it! It's funny to me because she rarely talks about Dora and we don't watch that show, but she isn't budging from her party choice. Silly girl!

This age is a trying time for us with Lydia. Lots of questions from her and lots of testing her boundaries as well. But overall, she is a sweetheart who brings us overwhelming joy. I love being able to have conversations with her and being able to watch her learn. She gets so excited when we get to do special things. I love watching her eyes light up! Love my girl. :-)

We are still a bit in recovery mode after the loss of our 3rd child, but we are hopeful for the future. After having a D&C on the 9th, I had a follow-up exam on the 25th and everything is going okay. My doctor said that we are free to try again whenever we are ready. I would still love to be holding a new baby in my arms in 2012, but we will trust in God's timing.

This post may not make a whole lot of sense. I may not even publish it for anyone to see. But I feel like getting some of my crazy thoughts out, even if they are pretty much a jumbled mess.

That's basically what everything feels like right now anyway. A jumbled mess. I'm trying to make sense of everything. All that happened. All that is going on with my body. All that I want to do and need to do. And sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and hope that time can pause for a little bit while I pull myself together.

It's been two weeks now since I made my final plea that God would keep my baby healthy and growing so that I could hold him/her in August. I think Thursdays are the hardest right now. It's odd I suppose. Friday was the day I got the sad news. Monday was the day I had the D&C... the day everything was "final." But I think Thursdays hurt more than those days because it is the day I remember that God said no. And for the life of me I can't understand it. I know I won't understand it, this side of Heaven at least.

To even begin to capture where I am in this story I have to start back somewhere around October 2011. We knew we wanted a third child and were ready to take on that responsibility whenever God allowed. However, my "fertility" had not returned since having Eli, so I wasn't exactly expecting to get pregnant. But knowing that it technically IS possible to get pregnant without that, I had a friendly little chat with God. Not an unusual thing, these types of conversations. I just casually prayed, "Alright God. I know that you have the timing all worked out and all. BUT, if you want to know what I would like in all of this, I'm going to lay out what I'd really love to see happen..." And I proceeded to pray that, if it would be okay for me to get my say in this, I wanted to get pregnant without having to deal with "AF" and for it to be in time for the holidays so we could have a little fun with the announcement. Added benefits to this situation would be that I knew I'd probably get an early ultrasound so we could get an accurate due date. My doctor usually doesn't give ultrasounds until the 20th week, so an early peek at the wee one would be extra special.

So anyway... that conversation pretty much came and went without any more serious thought. I knew it wasn't super likely and I knew that it wasn't important for everything to happen that way either. Like I said, just a casual chat with God to put in my request... like when Lydia asks us if we can have something specific for dinner. No biggie if it doesn't happen, but what a special treat it would be to get what was asked for.

And guess what? I got my wish! I could hardly believe it the day I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. "Wow God," I thought, "Thanks!" I was truly stunned that God had given me everything I asked for in my silly little request, but I reminded myself that I serve a loving God who loves to give good gifts to his children. I felt completely blessed.

In the weeks that followed, with bloodwork and ultrasounds to try to establish a due date, I grew more concerned. While I had nothing solid to go by, the timeline didn't seem to be adding up correctly. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy should be further along than all of the tests were indicating. But I kept pushing it to the back of my mind telling myself that I am a natural worrier and was likely just letting the worries get the best of me. Besides, God gave me this gift. He gave me exactly what I had asked for. I kept coming back to the words of Jesus in Matthew 7 - "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I had to trust that God does not give bad gifts. Why would He give me the wonderful (and unnecessary) gift of granting my request only to rip it away?

I continued to cling to this hope and on Thursday night, January 5th, I prayed. What I knew would be my last (early) ultrasound was scheduled for early the next morning. This would be the day I would finally know something. Either there would be bad news or I would see the heartbeat of a growing baby. No longer would I have the "it may just be too early, we'll have to wait and see" line to fall back on. I was expected to be about 7 weeks along, so there would be no more gray area this time. As I was lying in bed that Thursday night, I gave it all to God. He knew I was scared. I wasn't feeling confident at all. And I pleaded with tears streaming down my face that I'd see that precious heartbeat in the morning. I cried out, "God, not my will but yours be done. But if it can be your will, please let this baby be okay."

As I have since had to deal with the reality that the baby was not okay. That he or she simply never developed as intended. The most heart wrenching part of the ordeal has been trying to wrap my head around God's plan in all of this. Why God? Why? Not why did we lose the baby. But why would you put me in position to feel like I've been given the "fish" I requested only to see it turn into a snake? I almost felt like I was being punished for asking for something so trivial. Like I had to be taught a lesson that I shouldn't bother God with unimportant details and should just be quiet and take what I get. I felt like my heart got ripped out by the one person I trusted most.

I didn't understand it. Honestly I still don't. I don't think I ever will.

It still really hurts. A lot. But even in the pain, I've never found myself angry with God. Just confused.

One night as I cried and prayed and tried to make sense of it all I thought of Job's story. I thought about how Satan was given the ability to try to shake Job's faith by taking away his family, his health, almost everything he had. At that thought I practically exploded with anger at that rat Satan. Perhaps it was all his doing. He wanted to try to break me and took my baby away from me. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe God is holding me and weeping with me - both of us grieving over what this fallen world has led to.

I know I won't really know what spiritual forces were involved in this situation until I meet my Lord in Heaven. I think I'll always carry with me the question of why did God allow this to happen - why did I have to feel so betrayed - but I know that I can't allow this to unravel everything I know to be true. I have to keep looking to His promises.

In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What else do I have to turn to? Jesus Christ is the one who has been my shelter my whole life. Why would I turn from that now? I know that I won't have the answers to my questions, but I have to cling to the truth that He does. For a long time I had on my Facebook page the song lyrics "Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be..." and now I find myself in position to allow the other half of that song to ring true in my life.

Dear Lord, blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. When there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name...

It's hard to come here and post about losing a baby when I had been waiting in anticipation for the perfect moment to announce the pregnancy. That moment didn't come quickly enough and sadly our child didn't get the grand announcement I had hoped for. I have hundreds of thoughts and feelings that I may or may not get around to putting into words, at least here, but for now I want to post the lyrics to a song written by a mother who likely felt exactly as I do now. And she captured it perfectly.

Glory Baby
by Christy Nockel (Watermark)

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we're stronger people
Through the growing and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know

We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

I'm usually pretty good about going with the flow when it comes to the growing up of my kids. I embrace the phrase "This too shall pass" which my mom consistently reminds me of. All of the good moments and bad moments alike will pass and I am okay with that. I love my life as it is right now and a part of me is sad that my kids won't stay this way forever, but another part of me is excited to watch them grow and knows that I will love a lot about the next phases of life as well.

We've been potty training Lydia since mid-April and things are going okay. Most days we don't have any accidents, but she isn't good at telling me when she needs to go. I take her to the potty every couple of hours and we avoid accidents that way. She still only goes #2 in a pull-up though and I haven't been able to get her on the potty for this yet.

Eli keeps growing and growing. He was 20lbs at his 6 month checkup and is wearing size 12 month clothing now. He is a VERY happy boy - always full of smiles and giggles. Within the last week he has finally started sitting up well on his own. I still have to put pillows behind him because he eventually topples over, but he can sit fine for fairly long periods of time now. He wants to move SO badly. He can roll across the room, but he will get on his belly and just go crazy kicking his legs like he wants to move forward. I have a feeling that once he figures this out, I will not be sitting down all day! Eli is also starting to babble more. Most noticibly "Da da da da da". I'm kinda surprised he isn't saying "ma" at all considering he hears his sister say "mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy..." non stop all day lol.

My coupon craze continues and I've been able to teach a couple of classes to help others learn. I don't enjoy the classes much, though, so I think my next one may be my last. I just don't have the enthusiasm for grocery couponing like I did when I first started. I mostly do Rite Aid these days and that's much more complicated to attempt to teach it at a class. But I really enjoy my Rite Aid shenanigans and can find ways to get pretty much anything they sell there for free if I play my cards (coupons) correctly. Yay for not paying for diapers or household products anymore!

We have several household projects that are moving along as well. Just this past weekend Brent did some work on our deck to hopefully keep the wasps away. We've had a horrible time with wasps building nests on our deck... knocked down 13 of them last weekend! But hopefully that is done now. I'm looking forward to enjoying the outdoors this summer. Being pregnant last year made it miserable to be out in the heat.

We are also hoping to finish our basement in the near future. We've been saving up and doing side-projects for extra money in hopes of getting the basement finished and moving the playroom down there. I think the plan will be to start getting estimates in the Fall.

Attempting to blog while Lydia is awake (and playing in the office next to me). Crazy? Probably. This will likely be short!

Two. I have a two-year-old. It's crazy! And she is defintely beginning to ACT two. It is common for Brent and I to look at eachother, shrug, and state, "She's two" after any number of Lydia's antics. She is very much developing a mind of her own. Today I asked her if she would share an orange slice with me. As I reached for one, she quickly guarded them with her hands and said, "Um... no thank you, Mommy. No thank you." She tells us "no" and has random spaz sessions where she refuses to tell us what she wants. Ah to be two! :) But she is an absolute joy in our lives and considering how she COULD behave, she is a very well behaved little girl.

Eli is getting more and more fun each passing day. He can roll over now and enjoys sitting in the exersaucer for short periods of time. He's so tall and heavy that he doesn't have the muscle strength yet to be in there for long. He weighed in at exactly 18 lbs at his 4 month check-up. Still top of the charts for height and weight! He loves to smile and laugh and he continues to be a very social boy. Always wanting attention! It's so much fun to see him watching Lydia as she runs all over the place. He gets a kick out of watching her play and she likes to bring him toys and show him how to make things play music.

My life has been busy lately as I have continued in my coupon crazy madness. Most free time (which is limited) is spent looking up deals and planning shopping trips. I'm going to do my first "official" couponing class soon, so this is occupying my thoughts as well.

We're also hoping to potty train very soon. I am sooo not looking forward to it, but had told myself we would take on the challenge once Eli was sleeping better at night. He is finally going to bed around 7 and staying there until 6 or 7 in the morning. Of course some nights are still better than others, but with a more restful household I decided it was time to get back to business around here.

Spring has arrived (supposedly) and I'm looking forward to warm weather and walks outside again. Lydia will love going to the park this year now that she is big enough for more playground equipment. I'm hoping Eli won't take too much longer to be able to sit up on his own. It will be really nice to be able to sit him on a blanket with some toys while Lydia plays with other things outside.

There's a brief update on our lives. And hey, Lydia didn't completely destroy the office in the process - though the pile of clothes I had set aside to take to MOPS is now scattered around the room. Could be worse. :)