This post may not make a whole lot of sense. I may not even publish it for anyone to see. But I feel like getting some of my crazy thoughts out, even if they are pretty much a jumbled mess.

That's basically what everything feels like right now anyway. A jumbled mess. I'm trying to make sense of everything. All that happened. All that is going on with my body. All that I want to do and need to do. And sometimes I just want to curl up in a corner and hope that time can pause for a little bit while I pull myself together.

It's been two weeks now since I made my final plea that God would keep my baby healthy and growing so that I could hold him/her in August. I think Thursdays are the hardest right now. It's odd I suppose. Friday was the day I got the sad news. Monday was the day I had the D&C... the day everything was "final." But I think Thursdays hurt more than those days because it is the day I remember that God said no. And for the life of me I can't understand it. I know I won't understand it, this side of Heaven at least.

To even begin to capture where I am in this story I have to start back somewhere around October 2011. We knew we wanted a third child and were ready to take on that responsibility whenever God allowed. However, my "fertility" had not returned since having Eli, so I wasn't exactly expecting to get pregnant. But knowing that it technically IS possible to get pregnant without that, I had a friendly little chat with God. Not an unusual thing, these types of conversations. I just casually prayed, "Alright God. I know that you have the timing all worked out and all. BUT, if you want to know what I would like in all of this, I'm going to lay out what I'd really love to see happen..." And I proceeded to pray that, if it would be okay for me to get my say in this, I wanted to get pregnant without having to deal with "AF" and for it to be in time for the holidays so we could have a little fun with the announcement. Added benefits to this situation would be that I knew I'd probably get an early ultrasound so we could get an accurate due date. My doctor usually doesn't give ultrasounds until the 20th week, so an early peek at the wee one would be extra special.

So anyway... that conversation pretty much came and went without any more serious thought. I knew it wasn't super likely and I knew that it wasn't important for everything to happen that way either. Like I said, just a casual chat with God to put in my request... like when Lydia asks us if we can have something specific for dinner. No biggie if it doesn't happen, but what a special treat it would be to get what was asked for.

And guess what? I got my wish! I could hardly believe it the day I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. "Wow God," I thought, "Thanks!" I was truly stunned that God had given me everything I asked for in my silly little request, but I reminded myself that I serve a loving God who loves to give good gifts to his children. I felt completely blessed.

In the weeks that followed, with bloodwork and ultrasounds to try to establish a due date, I grew more concerned. While I had nothing solid to go by, the timeline didn't seem to be adding up correctly. I couldn't shake the feeling that the pregnancy should be further along than all of the tests were indicating. But I kept pushing it to the back of my mind telling myself that I am a natural worrier and was likely just letting the worries get the best of me. Besides, God gave me this gift. He gave me exactly what I had asked for. I kept coming back to the words of Jesus in Matthew 7 - "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I had to trust that God does not give bad gifts. Why would He give me the wonderful (and unnecessary) gift of granting my request only to rip it away?

I continued to cling to this hope and on Thursday night, January 5th, I prayed. What I knew would be my last (early) ultrasound was scheduled for early the next morning. This would be the day I would finally know something. Either there would be bad news or I would see the heartbeat of a growing baby. No longer would I have the "it may just be too early, we'll have to wait and see" line to fall back on. I was expected to be about 7 weeks along, so there would be no more gray area this time. As I was lying in bed that Thursday night, I gave it all to God. He knew I was scared. I wasn't feeling confident at all. And I pleaded with tears streaming down my face that I'd see that precious heartbeat in the morning. I cried out, "God, not my will but yours be done. But if it can be your will, please let this baby be okay."

As I have since had to deal with the reality that the baby was not okay. That he or she simply never developed as intended. The most heart wrenching part of the ordeal has been trying to wrap my head around God's plan in all of this. Why God? Why? Not why did we lose the baby. But why would you put me in position to feel like I've been given the "fish" I requested only to see it turn into a snake? I almost felt like I was being punished for asking for something so trivial. Like I had to be taught a lesson that I shouldn't bother God with unimportant details and should just be quiet and take what I get. I felt like my heart got ripped out by the one person I trusted most.

I didn't understand it. Honestly I still don't. I don't think I ever will.

It still really hurts. A lot. But even in the pain, I've never found myself angry with God. Just confused.

One night as I cried and prayed and tried to make sense of it all I thought of Job's story. I thought about how Satan was given the ability to try to shake Job's faith by taking away his family, his health, almost everything he had. At that thought I practically exploded with anger at that rat Satan. Perhaps it was all his doing. He wanted to try to break me and took my baby away from me. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe God is holding me and weeping with me - both of us grieving over what this fallen world has led to.

I know I won't really know what spiritual forces were involved in this situation until I meet my Lord in Heaven. I think I'll always carry with me the question of why did God allow this to happen - why did I have to feel so betrayed - but I know that I can't allow this to unravel everything I know to be true. I have to keep looking to His promises.

In all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What else do I have to turn to? Jesus Christ is the one who has been my shelter my whole life. Why would I turn from that now? I know that I won't have the answers to my questions, but I have to cling to the truth that He does. For a long time I had on my Facebook page the song lyrics "Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be..." and now I find myself in position to allow the other half of that song to ring true in my life.

Dear Lord, blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. When there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name...

It's hard to come here and post about losing a baby when I had been waiting in anticipation for the perfect moment to announce the pregnancy. That moment didn't come quickly enough and sadly our child didn't get the grand announcement I had hoped for. I have hundreds of thoughts and feelings that I may or may not get around to putting into words, at least here, but for now I want to post the lyrics to a song written by a mother who likely felt exactly as I do now. And she captured it perfectly.

Glory Baby
by Christy Nockel (Watermark)

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we're stronger people
Through the growing and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know

We miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there's a day
When we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day
When we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘Til mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

I'm usually pretty good about going with the flow when it comes to the growing up of my kids. I embrace the phrase "This too shall pass" which my mom consistently reminds me of. All of the good moments and bad moments alike will pass and I am okay with that. I love my life as it is right now and a part of me is sad that my kids won't stay this way forever, but another part of me is excited to watch them grow and knows that I will love a lot about the next phases of life as well.

We've been potty training Lydia since mid-April and things are going okay. Most days we don't have any accidents, but she isn't good at telling me when she needs to go. I take her to the potty every couple of hours and we avoid accidents that way. She still only goes #2 in a pull-up though and I haven't been able to get her on the potty for this yet.

Eli keeps growing and growing. He was 20lbs at his 6 month checkup and is wearing size 12 month clothing now. He is a VERY happy boy - always full of smiles and giggles. Within the last week he has finally started sitting up well on his own. I still have to put pillows behind him because he eventually topples over, but he can sit fine for fairly long periods of time now. He wants to move SO badly. He can roll across the room, but he will get on his belly and just go crazy kicking his legs like he wants to move forward. I have a feeling that once he figures this out, I will not be sitting down all day! Eli is also starting to babble more. Most noticibly "Da da da da da". I'm kinda surprised he isn't saying "ma" at all considering he hears his sister say "mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy..." non stop all day lol.

My coupon craze continues and I've been able to teach a couple of classes to help others learn. I don't enjoy the classes much, though, so I think my next one may be my last. I just don't have the enthusiasm for grocery couponing like I did when I first started. I mostly do Rite Aid these days and that's much more complicated to attempt to teach it at a class. But I really enjoy my Rite Aid shenanigans and can find ways to get pretty much anything they sell there for free if I play my cards (coupons) correctly. Yay for not paying for diapers or household products anymore!

We have several household projects that are moving along as well. Just this past weekend Brent did some work on our deck to hopefully keep the wasps away. We've had a horrible time with wasps building nests on our deck... knocked down 13 of them last weekend! But hopefully that is done now. I'm looking forward to enjoying the outdoors this summer. Being pregnant last year made it miserable to be out in the heat.

We are also hoping to finish our basement in the near future. We've been saving up and doing side-projects for extra money in hopes of getting the basement finished and moving the playroom down there. I think the plan will be to start getting estimates in the Fall.

Attempting to blog while Lydia is awake (and playing in the office next to me). Crazy? Probably. This will likely be short!

Two. I have a two-year-old. It's crazy! And she is defintely beginning to ACT two. It is common for Brent and I to look at eachother, shrug, and state, "She's two" after any number of Lydia's antics. She is very much developing a mind of her own. Today I asked her if she would share an orange slice with me. As I reached for one, she quickly guarded them with her hands and said, "Um... no thank you, Mommy. No thank you." She tells us "no" and has random spaz sessions where she refuses to tell us what she wants. Ah to be two! :) But she is an absolute joy in our lives and considering how she COULD behave, she is a very well behaved little girl.

Eli is getting more and more fun each passing day. He can roll over now and enjoys sitting in the exersaucer for short periods of time. He's so tall and heavy that he doesn't have the muscle strength yet to be in there for long. He weighed in at exactly 18 lbs at his 4 month check-up. Still top of the charts for height and weight! He loves to smile and laugh and he continues to be a very social boy. Always wanting attention! It's so much fun to see him watching Lydia as she runs all over the place. He gets a kick out of watching her play and she likes to bring him toys and show him how to make things play music.

My life has been busy lately as I have continued in my coupon crazy madness. Most free time (which is limited) is spent looking up deals and planning shopping trips. I'm going to do my first "official" couponing class soon, so this is occupying my thoughts as well.

We're also hoping to potty train very soon. I am sooo not looking forward to it, but had told myself we would take on the challenge once Eli was sleeping better at night. He is finally going to bed around 7 and staying there until 6 or 7 in the morning. Of course some nights are still better than others, but with a more restful household I decided it was time to get back to business around here.

Spring has arrived (supposedly) and I'm looking forward to warm weather and walks outside again. Lydia will love going to the park this year now that she is big enough for more playground equipment. I'm hoping Eli won't take too much longer to be able to sit up on his own. It will be really nice to be able to sit him on a blanket with some toys while Lydia plays with other things outside.

There's a brief update on our lives. And hey, Lydia didn't completely destroy the office in the process - though the pile of clothes I had set aside to take to MOPS is now scattered around the room. Could be worse. :)

My dear sweet Eli - you are 3 months old already!

You are a very social boy these days. You get upset if you realize you are in a room by yourself and get the biggest smiles on your face the instant someone comes over to talk to you. You are also very vocal. You love to coo on and on as long as there is a person there to coo at.

Eating and sleeping still aren't super structured. During the day you eat roughly every 2.5-3 hours. Most times after eating for a little bit, though, you get much more interested in smiling and talking to mom to eat any more. You are still up at least once at night to eat. This is making Mommy VERY sleepy! We would all really love for you to sleep through the night, but you still haven't figured out your own way to comfort yourself when you wake up. Mommy is trying really hard to be patient and give you time to learn this skill. Praying it will be soon!

Sometimes you have big mood swings too. You will be super happy one minute and then be crying the next. Usually I think it is because we stop paying attention to you and you get mad until we talk to you again. But in general you are a happy guy. I have noticed that you seem to have a sensitive side. You can only take so much of Lydia "playing" with you before you seem to get a little scared. I know... she's loud... one day you will get used to it! But you make the most adorable face when you pout and stick out your lower lip. I know you are sad, but it always makes me smile because it's so darn cute!

You are still a big boy and everyone makes sure to tell us that when they hold you. Grandma and Papa Tom held you today and said you feel like a bowling ball! I love how "sturdy" God made you and know you are going to be a nice strong man someday like your daddy. You are currently wearing size 3-6/6 month clothing and wearing size 2 diapers, but we're moving you into size 3's as soon as the current open pack of 2's is gone and are washing your 6-9 month clothing in anticipation of you needing them soon!

The only place you really like to hang out is still your bouncy chair. You are okay with the swing these days, but if you are fussy that's not where you want to be. We've also tried letting you sit in the bumbo seat and you aren't a big fan of that either. Maybe you'll like it more when you get a tad bit more neck strength. I keep wanting to let you try out other things besides the bouncy chair, but that's really the only place you love! You nap there a lot, but do pretty well napping and sleeping at night in your crib (except at 7 or 8 at night which is the one time you completely refuse to go to sleep in your crib). You don't typically go to bed for the night until 10 or 11, and if we're lucky you'll sleep for at least 4 hours after that. You've gone 8 hours once or twice, but there are also nights that you still want to wake up every 3 hours. We haven't done as much cry-it-out with you as we did with Lydia, mostly because we don't want you to wake her up but partially because we're waiting to see if you find a way to soothe yourself without us having to intervene.

Your sister loves you a ton. It isn't uncommon for her to get up in the morning or after a nap and immediately start saying, "Eli? Eli?" until we let her know where you are. She brings you toys and makes sure you have your blanket on (or off if she sees you just woke up). She even loves to rock you when you get upset over being put in the carseat.

You've only been here for 3 months and already I don't know what life would be like without you. We all love you SO much, Eli! You are getting more and more aware of the world around you, and I can't hardly wait to see all of the changes the next month will bring. Love you, little man!