As August approaches I find myself feeling... weird.  I don't exactly know what I'm feeling, or even what I want to feel or think I should feel.  There's a part of me re-living a little bit of what it felt like to watch the new pregnancy announcements on Facebook after having lost my own, except now it's new baby announcements.  It makes me a little sad and more than just a little impatient for this current pregnancy to run its course.  A part of me still has that knee-jerk reaction of thinking, "That's supposed to be me!"

Of course I tell myself time and time again that it is NOT supposed to be me.  If it were, then God would not have let what happened happen.  He has had a plan for our family all along and we are living it right now.  I can not dwell on thoughts of what I think things were "supposed" to be like.  Here and now, right where I am, is where I'm supposed to be.

Still, the approach of August is emotional.  I am extremely grateful to be pregnant again, and maybe we can even work something out to get an ultrasound in August and find out the gender (I won't be 19 weeks until September though so we'll see).  There's really plenty to be looking forward to.  But I'm really dreading turning that page on the calendar.  You see, I made this calendar in December when we were still pregnant and I specifically marked August as "Baby month."  I don't really want to look at that all month long, but I can't bring myself to cover it up.  Like I don't want to erase the baby that I lost.  Not sure yet how I want to approach that.

In other news, I'm 13 weeks along now and feeling pretty good.  I have thought I've felt the little flutters of baby movement here and there for a couple of weeks, but nothing definitive.  This is of course making me more on edge.  I know I felt really relieved at 11 weeks when the heartbeat was strong and steady, but the more I have to wait for my next appointment the more anxious I get.  Only a bit over a week until the next one:  August 2nd.  I'm hoping that being officially out of the first trimester, hearing the heartbeat again, and starting to feel movements in the coming weeks will ease my fears again.
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